Dating After the Loss of a Spouse

Dating After the Loss of a SpouseIf there is one issue that can create division, and even anger, in a room full of widows and widowers, it’s the topic of dating after the loss of a spouse. Of all the subjects in all the groups that I’ve ever facilitated, this may be the most controversial.

For some, just the mention of dating again can cause such a negative and visceral reaction -I’ve seen grievers walk out of presentations where this topic was only one small part of the conversation.

But why the strong reaction?

Does it a feel like a sense of betrayal to the deceased? Or of being rushed into something you’re not ready for? Is just the thought of having to start over, to put yourself out there just too overwhelming or too exhausting? Is it that the endeavor seems worthless as there will simply never EVER be someone as perfect for you as the partner you lost?

And is it fair that a griever has to cope with this tremendous grief while also answering questions from family and friends about whether they plan to date again? Or is it fair that a griever may face judgement from those who think that they aren’t ready to date or believe they shouldn’t?

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When No One Understands: Communication & Grief

Communication

Communication. It is the foundation of every relationship and every interaction we have – and we all know it. Good communication leads to connection, along with a better understanding of ourselves and each other. Bad communication can result in anger, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and fractured relationships. Comparing the two it seems that we would all choose to have good and clear communication with those we are closest to, but it doesn’t often work out that way.

Communication can be hard even when life is good.

Sharing how we feel makes us feel vulnerable. We may worry about hurting someone’s feelings, making them angry, or coloring their perception of us. Perhaps we assume that words aren’t even needed. That those in our inner circle already know what we need, think, and feel.

So imagine how hard this can be in life after significant loss. In the support groups I facilitate we spend a lot of time (and I mean A LOT of time!) talking about “other people”. Close and distant family, friends, coworkers…all of whom seem to make a griever’s life more challenging at one point or another. And mostly it comes down to a lack of open and honest communication about life, death, grief, and loss.

At some point through this grief journey you have probably felt or thought the phrase I so often hear…”no one understands”. But why is it so hard for people to be supportive when we need them most? And what options are there to improve this very troubling consequence of loss?

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Understanding Anger As Part of Grieving

Guest post by Reid Peterson, Grief Refuge

Anger is a common experience when you’re grieving. It’s intense, uncomfortable, and powerful. You may feel like you can be angry at many different people, for many different reasons. You may be angry at your loved one for dying in the first place. Their death may have resulted from one of the choices they made. You may recall memories of some of the things they did when they were alive, something you had a hard time accepting, and that makes you angry now. You may also discover something about your loved one that you weren’t aware of when they were living. That can make you angry too.

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Perfectionists, People Pleasers & Grief

Perfectionists

Perfectionists. People Pleasers.

Some will immediately relate to these labels, and some maybe not so much. Yet most people I work with exhibit at least some of these traits, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. For the perfectionists, it may come as an almost badge of honor. A commitment they’ve made to themselves to do everything the best they can, without fail, in every single category of their life. The people pleasers may not be as satisfied with that title. But they also understand it as a necessary skill to function in their lives, and as a way to get along with the people around them. 

But what happens when life falls apart? Expectations for ourselves often remain the same, but how can they when EVERY SINGLE THING in life has changed? Do these old habits and old roles still work?

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Help for the Slow Process of Healing in Grief

Healing in grief is slow. So slow that it would be easy to think that it’s not happening at all…like your hair growing, or your nails.

Every day there is growth and progress, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way and most people wonder when they’re ever going to feel better.

What’s important to know is that there are some things that will help keep the healing process moving along. We just need to know what they are.

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Why I Say “I’m Fine” (Even When I’m Not): Surviving Grief

Surviving Grief

“How are you?”. How many times a day are you asked that? And how many times do you think the person asking wants (or is ready to hear) the REAL answer? This is the challenge for a griever, and one of the many things that comes up daily when surviving grief. Being out in the world can be a very difficult place to be, and unfortunately it may seem that no matter who is asking, we give the same answer, “I’m fine”. But why? Is it a matter of trust, fatigue, or is it something else…? 

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Self-Esteem & Grief – The Hidden Loss

Self-esteem

Self-esteem. Insecurity. Doubt. Just the mention of these words can make us think of a very specific time in our life. Perhaps the teenage years or young adulthood – when how you feel about yourself and your place in the world can be so uncertain. But as time goes on and you settle into your adult life, self-esteem may not seem so important, and it’s not something you may have paid much attention to. In other words, if it’s not great, it’s at least good enough. 

It’s also not something you hear spoken about in grief. And yet significant loss can completely drain and deplete any self-esteem you may have, making it feel impossible to move forward in a healthy or purposeful way. 

So why does confidence take such a hit after loss, and how do we begin to improve this invisible symptom of grief? 

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Worry & Grief: 5 Steps to Stop the Cycle

worry

Worry. It can be such a futile and empty emotion…like thoughts leaking out of our head without purpose or direction. It’s a bad habit that exhausts our time and energy, leading to heavy days and sleepless nights.

So why do we keep doing it, and what does worry accomplish? Why is it worse in grief, and what can we do to finally break the cycle and stop the bad habit once and for all?

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Grief Making You Feel “Lazy”? Why It Happens & How To Help

lazyLazy. Such a strange word in the way that it can be used so differently throughout our lives. A lazy coworker or teenager can be a terrible source of frustration but a lazy Sunday can be one of our greatest joys.

In grief, I find it works a little differently. So often I speak with people who tell me they feel lazy or identify as this new lazy person that they don’t recognize – so new from the go go go that they were used to before.

In this respect these aren’t people enjoying the leisure of a well deserved break, but instead a frustrating new side of themselves that they don’t understand and can’t see a way out of.

So first and foremost, let’s start by changing the language. Because I don’t think lazy in any of the ways we’re used to saying it works for someone who has had a loss. The circumstances are too different, too extreme, and a change of our language and perspective may just be what we need to make the change.

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