The 5 Stages of Grief (as originally established by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) may be one of the most widely sited tools of grief- it’s also one of the more misunderstood and questioned. These days, experts in the field of grief and loss hesitate to offer anything that resembles a timeline for fear that it creates unrealistic expectations for how a griever “should” cope. And with good reason. Grief is too individual and too different from one person to the next. Yet, as the stages of grief suggest, there are commonalities found amongst grievers and if I were to add one final stage, I would add loneliness to the list.
Because even if “acceptance” is reached at some point, there is a lingering and long lasting side effect of loss…loneliness. It’s the “okay, what now?”. It’s the empty and bottomless ache. It’s the feeling when the sadness feels well-worn and exhausted, and the well of tears has run dry. It’s the point where the grief takes on a new form.
As a facilitator of bereavement groups I’ve been in the unique position of seeing people as they shape-shift through their grief. One time a month, for several months in a row, can be just enough to create an almost time-lapsed photography of loss…where it seems the the changes are occurring both quickly and slowly at the same time.
So many grievers come into their first meeting feeling lost, hopeless, sharing with those in the circle, “I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it through this”. And as the time goes by and they return each month they demonstrate to themselves and those around them that somehow (and often they don’t even know how) they’ve made it through.
Eventually for these grievers it seems a plateau is reached where one can expect that they are not going to get much worse or much better. What’s strange about this point in time, this plateau, is that there feels like there’s so few resources left to deal with it.
After a certain amount of time has passed since the loss of a loved one, what is there left to say that hasn’t been said? When there is “acceptance” and the reality of what can’t be changed sets in, what is there left to do with the loneliness that remains?
Perhaps it’s the very acute and tangible loneliness a person experiences coming home to the empty house they used to share with a spouse. Or maybe it’s the parent who lost a child, feeling forever lonely around other parents, and forever left out of the things they won’t get to share with their child who should still be here. It could be the griever who lost the parent, the one person who gave them unconditional love, who will never feel the fulfillment and wholeness the relationship with their parent gave them.
In helping the population of grievers we serve, my colleague and I have often tried to offer programs and education on a variety of topics related to grief. Coping at the holidays, how to deal with residual anger and guilt…and for some time we talked about how much the grievers we met needed the topic of loneliness to be addressed.
So we sat down one day, notebooks in hand, ready to create a presentation on loneliness when we realized – what would we say? What could we have to offer? And for the first time in both of our careers we had to admit, we had nothing. Because how do you “cure” loneliness? Can you bring a person into a conference room for a few hours and make it all better for when they go home to that empty house?
We didn’t have faith in ourselves or in our shared wisdom, and we found that even as grief professionals with almost 40 years of counseling between us, we too had been defeated by loneliness.
But here’s what I’ve learned since then – if you can’t figure out what you should do, or you can’t offer any guidance on what steps that could help or heal…maybe you need to figure out what not to do instead.
When I was younger, there would be times when I would complain to my Mom, “I’m bored”… to which she would reply, “why don’t you empty the dishwasher?”.
Well, obviously doing a chore was about the last thing I had in mind to cure my boredom. I may not have known what I wanted to do, but I sure as heck knew what I didn’t want to do. And in this same vein I think the attempts that people make to cure the loneliness they feel after loss can be just as ineffective.
So with that in mind, here are some ideas of what NOT to do if you are struggling with loneliness following a loss:
1. Don’t confuse companionship with completeness – Those who have lost a spouse may have been fortunate enough to experience the feeling of having found their “better half”. While a wonderful feeling in marriage, this creates a terrible void in loss. Searching for a new half or looking to plug in just about anyone that even remotely fits can be like trying to maneuver an 18 wheeler into a compact car parking space. It will never ever fit, no matter how hard you try. A relationship following loss can be a very healthy and positive step, as long as one recognizes that a new person can never replace or stand in for someone who is gone. Nor should this new person feel the responsibility to. Spending time with the right person (and by “right” I mean the right person for who you are now and what you need now) can be a wonderful thing. Know that you are different now that this loss has occurred. The person you attract, the person who will be the best fit for you at this stage in your life may be nothing like the person you lost. And remember, spending time with someone new doesn’t always have to be romantic. Don’t start a relationship with the end in mind. And don’t avoid a relationship for the fear of commitment it could imply. Instead, recognize that companionship can be simply finding someone with similar interests to go out to meals and activities with and that it never has to progress past that point if you don’t want it to.
2. Don’t overdo being busy – Busy is good….to a point. I’ve witnessed how being busy can help after a loss. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve called to check on who say, “I’m doing okay, I’m keeping busy”, as if the two absolutely and always go together. Of course they don’t. Because I have also encountered the son who was working 16 hour days just to avoid having to think about his mom or to go back to the empty home where he had cared for her. Like everything, moderation is the key. Busy can be good. It can mean getting up and out and dressed. It can mean exercise and fresh air. It can mean a dose of healthy distraction. It can be a way to pass the time, which sometimes we all need. Just as long as it includes time for rest, time for reflection, and time to actually learn what it feels like to be home alone, and how to create a new routine and activity once there.
3. Acknowledge what’s been lost, but don’t live in a place of “what if”s, or “if only”s – Easier said than done, I know. This speaks to the loneliness I mentioned before. The yearning for the future that never happened. The attention we give to the empty spot where our loved one should be sitting. It’s natural and “normal” for our grief to take us to these places, but as the years pass we can begin to rebuild if we choose not to live in “what if”s. We will continue to feel lonely and separated from the rest of the world if we are always checking off the list of what “they” have and what we don’t. This is tough…I know it happens unconsciously and it’s not a case of asking a griever to deny the loss or feeling. Instead it’s the balance of feeling the pain arise, acknowledging it, but not allowing it to alienate us from those around us.
4. Don’t spend time with those who will bring you down – In loneliness there can be such an urgency and desperation to fill the empty time and spaces that we may find ourselves clinging to just about anyone. Too often, these can be people who aren’t good for us. The people who are also lonely. Maybe because of loss, but more often their loneliness comes from behavior that has extricated them from healthy relationships. People who drink too much, or help too little, who are negative or bitter, who seem only to want to bring others down with them. Unfortunately these people are out there, and a vulnerable griever can provide just the misery this type of company loves. Bottom line, being alone is better than being with the wrong people. At any point in life, but especially in grief, we should avoid spending time with those who don’t further our growth. Even in our lowest, darkest and loneliest of times we have choices. As you’re getting to know yourself better and who you are after loss, use this time to define better who you want to be now, and who deserves to be in your life.
5. Don’t be afraid to try something new – I think as we get older it becomes harder to do things outside of our comfort zone. And since grief seems to add at least a few decades to how most grievers feel, it can be especially difficult to have the energy to put ourselves out there after loss. So remember, this isn’t in the early days, weeks or months. It may not even be the first few years. But eventually if you find that grief becomes the cement shoes that keep you from moving forward, it may be time to try and break free. Start small. Think of something that will have a positive impact not only for you but for your community as well. Being motivated by the feeling of giving back can be what gets some grievers moving again after loss. Find a cause that you are interested in. Know that like-minded people will be found here and helping those less fortunate can be the best way to get out of our own head. And it doesn’t have to only be charity work. Maybe there’s a class you wanted to take or a club you’ve wanted to join. Know that it really doesn’t hurt to try, and the only thing you stand to lose is some of the loneliness you have been carrying for so long.
More than anything know this: you are not alone in your loneliness. In some way or another we are all searching for those who will understand us, who can help fill some of the void and emptiness we feel. But the true work of grief comes in filling that lonely space from the inside out.
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It is the lonely group of grievers who have reached their plateau that may need the most help. While www.griefincommon.com was created to serve an entire population of grievers, it is the “what now?” and “what’s next?” group who may benefit most long term. Because these are the people who may be ready to make the connections and to find the right people to spend time with. I have seen truly beautiful friendships develop in the circle of grief support and I hope you too can find that within the caring community of www.griefincommon.com.
And if one-on-one help is what you need? Some guidance and encouragement from a person who truly understands the all-encompassing nature of grief and how if affects every moment and every part of life could be the next step to help you move forward. In Grief Coaching, we’ll focus on your loss, how it’s affected you, and together we will create goals for your emotional and physical well being that can help build confidence and esteem, at a time when you need it most.
For a special kind of grief support click here: GRIEF COACHING. FREE 15 minute consults available to www.griefincommon.com members.
Sending you all light, hope and healing~
Karyn
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I find that I have severe PTSD related to loss… I lost my Dad’s Strength to a Hear attack when I was 13 and his life to lung cancer at 19… My Father in Law at 26 and my Husband at 30… 17 yrs later the man I was raising our son n my daughters with betrayed me with a series of affairs, then I had a Traumatic Brain injury, he left me and I lost his father and my mother to deat. I also lost a number of the boys n men I loved growing up to death… 5 Who were really close to me and I hurt to know I will never see their loving smile on this earth again… and another 6 or 7 aqaintences along with 2nd Dads… I Find Loss Can Trigger these Intense Emotions dug down like Grand Canyon in my psych.., And a Hard Place to crawl out of!!! Oh yes and less than one year ago a married ranches drove his truck off a cliff after pledging his Forever Love for me?????. All that I can do is to Pray Pray Pray… 4 Courage Strength n Wisdom… and oh yes… Lotd Hod in Heaven Love???♥️♥️
I’m so very sorry. You’ve lost so many loved ones.
I think you are an amazing courageous person. I am inspired by your strength to persevere and not become engulfed in loss. I have recently learned that accepting the Lord’s sovereignty during difficulty brings peace. I spent a long time wrestling with questions of why, but when I recently realized it was for a higher purpose and to stop resisting and move toward acceptance, I became much more content. Yes loneliness is hard, but disheartening emotional wrestling is no picnic either. God bless!
I am so relieved to have read the 5 DONT and to realise that the path I am now travelling is ‘normal’..I have spent today in tears and wishing my hubby was here..the worst day in weeks…it is 18 months which is so unreal..time has just vanished into a black pit….hjs birthday is 14 March..perhaps this is the reason.I feel much better having read this site…I have no family where I live..I work full time and have many work colleagues…outside of work weekends are my lonely days..I am blessed to have my two best four legged friends…….
My heart goes out to you . I can’t imagine your pain . pain . Loneliness is so profound after a loss . My Mom passed away in January and my daughter just moved across the country . I’m so incredibly lonely .. life feels so empty .
I am thinking of you and sending hugs . I understand
I lost my husband 5 months ago. I watched him suffer so much the lady year. I was his caregiver for 3.5 years so I was pretty much house bound then. Now I am totally alone I sit and cry most days don’t want to go out. I do attend a grievance class once a week. I pray that that the Lord will take me I see no reason for living.
I understand that 1000000000% I was a caregiver for my wife 18 years lost her 18 months ago. I am trusting the Lord for help but still very lonely.
I took care of my husband for 15 years. It has been a year since he has passed. I miss him so much!! I have great support of family & friends but still so lonely sometimes!!!
You are so right .I have my dogs &horses that keep me going my husband died3 years ago …loneliness just creeps in …
I’ve lost my husband two years ago he was only 49yrs we were married for3ere my best friend 💔 I am only 49yrs and it’s like a part of me died with him but praying to God for peace has help me but the lonelyness is still very hard
I feel your pain. I lost my husband 8 days ago to cancer. We were married 28years. We have grown kids. They have their own lives. I really feel like I just don’t want to live anymore.
Tracy, I am so sorry for your loss. I believe most people can relate to not wanting to live a life that doesn’t have their loved one in it, and it’s not uncommon to lose hope in loss. Still, there is a very fine line of when that’s “normal” and when it’s something more…If at any point you feel you truly can’t go on and need more help, please don’t hesitate – reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. While I hope our site can be a great help to grievers, the lifeline is ready and on call 24/7 via text and phone to help if you are in crisis: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Please remember: it won’t always feel as bad as it does now. Just as good times don’t last forever, neither does the pain. Please find support with friends, family, in your community and with us online. You simply can’t have too much support and we are here to help! I wish you hope and healing in the days ahead~ http://www.griefincommon.com
my died 12 years ago and i know how you feel.
i am 11 months into the loss of my husband. 35 years to suicide. He made me laugh everyday, . i find glimpses of sunshine, how ever small. Helps me to remember that I will see him again. This world is not our home we’re just passing through. Everyday is hard. And everyday is one step everyday is one step closer to where we all want to be with our loved ones. I may not see the purposes that God has planned for us, but as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remember that were walking through, keep loving, keep believing, keep hoping. Lose everything but don’t lose your faith.Your loved one would want you to live for them,smile and love to show there love. tears help to wash away the pain
God bless
Don’t say that…I feel the same way but there is a reason for you to still be here…you have work to do… so it and make him proud.
I hope your doing ok now. I lost my husband 3 weeks ago to cancer. We were together 26 years but have no children. Im 48 and feel totally lost. I feel uour pain ♥♥
I lost my husband 15 days ago it’s is very difficult to move on but I try every day to come to with friends and realize this is my life now which I know will be lonely most of the time. He was very sick and he suffered greatly . Even tho Iam lost most days and Iam angry at him for leaving I keep moving I get out with my friends I try to move on best as I can. He’s not coming back even tho I want him back but that comes from fear. Fear of being alone. Each day is different I know some better then others. But I will move forward. I miss him so much and I cry a lot . It’s all new to me but I knew he was going but not this soon. I will see my children from time to time they live in another province but I will visit as I usually do. I know there will be hard days ahead but Iam going to get thru this one day at a time.
June,I feel your pain,for I feel the same.I lost my wife of 23yrs on 12/8/17 to acute leukemia.I feel so lost and empty.I don’t have the desire and drive to do anything.I even lost my job over not being there enough.It hurts so bad,I just don’t know what to do.I just wish my life was over.I try going to church,but find the memories of us there to painful.I know where she is,and she is no longer suffering,but I’m stuck here,fighting the worst battle I could imagine.I have lost many close people in my life,and was able to go on,but I can’t seem to do it,this time.I was ripped in half.
Tom — I lost my husband in March 2018 and it’s just the biggest empty heart I have ever had in my life. I was his caretaker and retired from work to take care of him towards the end. Now I’m so lonely I can’t even understand where this feeling is coming from all of a sudden. I don’t really go to church and I haven’t scheduled grief meetings yet — but my heart does go out to the people here that have or are feeling the emptiness in their lives. I do.
Hi Tom,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife.
We lost my Dad in May 2017 to AML.
Such a horrible disease 🙁
I have been numb for the last 19 months but i have my hubby & kids to keep me busy but my Mum is SOOOO lost & lonely.
We moved into her house a year ago now with intention to buy it & build her a granny-flat…. but it’s not happening fast enuf.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but as an only child she’s driving me nuts following me around everywhere as i also work from home.
I want to help her to move forward and socialise (even just a little bit), and start exercising (even just a little) instead of living thru me. She’s gonna die 10-years earlier on that couch 🙁
How can i help her??
What can i do to make this a better place for her??
I’m cranky with her too often as i can’t breathe with her always two steps behind me or she’s asking me a million questions i can’t answer!!
Sorry if this post upsets you in any way,
i thought the leukaemia bond might be similar in some way.
I wish you all the best in finding some light and moving forward xxx
I know how you feel. I lost my husband 1 year ago. I get lonI don’t want to go on living sometimes. I miss him SO MUCH ! I cry alot.
I’m sorry for your loss. It is difficult to go on after losing a loved one. My husband and I were together for 17 years. I lost him two months ago to a brain hemorrhage. No one can prepare you for something like this. I also have difficulty coping. We were very close. That makes it harder. I’m sorry for your loss.
Hi Tom, yes loosing a spouse just rips you in half. I lost Joanne after a 4 year fight with cancer. I was lucky that I could early retire the last two years to be with her. I prayed and she was getting better and BAM it got in her spine and she died in home hospice two weeks later. I was in a daze for about two weeks. no kids no close relatives, everyone stopped visiting me even though I asked them to numerous times. Its like they are all afraid that death will rub off on them. I would contact your old boss and ask to get back to work if you want to. Most mental health insurance and even most states consider depression an illness and not something to get fired over but to put you on disability insurance, paid leave and attend counseling sessions. I reestablished calling and texting and e-mailing old friends. I used a shotgun approach to see who cared enough to call me back, very few did. So you are not alone in this. The first year is the hardest, at least I hope so, 9 months into it and now V day hits me. Next is our anniversary, ug! I visit Joanne each Sunday morning before church and talk to her telling her what happened to me during the week. I leave her flowers, now a heart and not sure what for our anniversary yet. Keep your health up, see your doctors and tell them what you think you need from them. I like to go to Walmart now, and just walk the cart around, looking at things and people, Sometimes I get into a silly conversation with shoppers of staff. A reason to pick up some fresh produce and shave and dress. I am not sure what is next but try to get out a bit even if its to pick up some fast food. Try not to drink too much but don’t feel guilty having a beer or wine with dinner. The weather will slowly get better and spring is a wonderful time to get out and see nature renew. Anyway hope this helps.
June- I lost my wife of 37 years to stage 4 cancer. I too feel the same ever since and curse why I had to be left alone? So who is cursed? The home we lived in now a house! I walk in a sleepwalked haze and daze each day just going through the motions. I am anxieyt filled as I get the mail and when the phone rings. I know its not good because not one person from my wifes family has called to talk with me since she passed. So who wants me? I lost all my confidence. I am so alone and while I have attended grief classes and sessions and they help-once they are over I return to the empty sad house. I cry out asking for her-signs-anything. I cry out to the walls-Why her? Why us? Why me alone? I am left behind to die but its not happening so I die every morning I get up alone. I just want to jump into our companion urn with her- I am done at age 64. I have no desire to continue to outlive me wife. If the clock stopped on my anniversaries-let it stop for good! I do basic things-shop- but I look at other more fortunate still going. Some much older couples- some sick but still hanging on. What I would have given to have just had an altered life-I would have taken care of her as I see many couples. But NO she had to be yanked from me only 2 months after diagnosis. Hey God -you missed me! I now fight with God- stopped going to church…Now I live in hell every day. I did – We did nothing wrong to deserve this.
Gary,I am in the same living hell!Lost my wife of 40 years February 10 2018 to bike duct liver cancer.Gone five months after the diagnosis. We had both just retired and looking forward to spending time at our dream cottage we worked on for 30 years. I am lost with out her.I am ok around my kids and grandchildren. When I am alone which most of the time it is so hard.I make lists of things to do every day just to keep occupied. Life just does not have the same enjoyment. I go to church and the gym but once I am back home alone the sadness is overwhelming
Gary, your words here are exactly the ones I’ve used for thirteen months. Well, except for the god parts. Though I had longer from diagnosis and operations, chemo and radiation. I am a logical person, but I was convinced that my wife of 35 years was indestructible. Invincible. And that just created another cog in my grief. Seek help/ask for help from professionals. And tell those around you that you want help and support. Give every person that has backed off or pushed away a second chance. Contact them and ask how they are doing. Many don’t know what to do or say, so often times people choose to do nothing. Reach out. I know it’s tough, for sure. And I don’t always practice what I preach, but if I hadn’t contacted Hospice for their help with my grief, I’d still be rolled up in a fetal position under a bed. They are experts on the subject, and have many resources, too. For a year, I went to the monthly general meetings concerning the Journey Through Grief and took weekly grief support meetings last winter. I’m still a somewhat mess, but they all centered me for the long hard road ahead. Just remember, that while many similarities and commonalities exist in grieving, we all grieve differently and at different paces. There is no schedule. Don’t let ANYONE tell you ‘buck it up’ or ‘just get over it.’ Sorry, but that is no help. Don’t let those kind of words influence you.
You can’t get over it, and you can’t get around it. You must journey Through grief.
Good luck to us all.
Garry, My apologies. I meant to go back and fix your name.
Garry.
garry so much of what you say i’m going through. ovarian cancer here, watched her suffer for 2 and a half years. i scream i swear i’m still so angry ! why this beautiful person who was my best friend have to leave. she did not deserve this. it’s now 16 months and i’m still not doing well ! going through the motions. hope we both do better in the future. i’m glad i’m 70 as i don’t have many years left.
My husband was taken from me, 15th May 2020. He had been battling cancer and and off for over 15yrs. Told he didn’t have long to live, chemo, radiotherapy, operations. But he never complained and he was the kindest husband, father, new grandfather. We were married 30yrs, but together longer. He was my world, our world, now he has gone. I am fortunate that Our youngest two son are at home with me still, still in education, but I am awake now, alone. My heart aches for him. He made everything right. I can’t comprehend a world without him. I am 50yrs old and I have to spend the rest of my life without him. The thought alone is torture. I cry every day, hour sometimes. It not been long since he was taken, but It’s just too painful to think about a future without him. We used to hold hands every night while we drifted off to sleep, I yearn to hold his hand, have him say my name. He used to wake me for work, make my packed lunch. Make sure my car was warmed up and safe, and wave me off to work. I dread the day I go back to work, when I won’t see him in my rear view mirror. Smiling and waving, even though he was sick and in pain during so final months. But he wanted to do this for me, such a selfless man. How to I ever live without him?
Garry I too have lost my dearly beloved grandson one year now, he was 29 when he died, for the last 9years of his life he had congested heart failure , he died one and a half year after getting a heart transplant, loosing him hurts so much it feels as if apart of me died with him also but as much as i love him and wanted him to live he was going through a lot of physical and mental pain, but we have to bear in mind the closest thing to us is death, not our spouses or our parents , before we were born it was destined when we are going to die, everyone of us are going to die, we start dying the moment we were born death is as natural as living . The life force has no more use for a body that is no more good so it is unfair for us to want to keep them here just because we cant handle our lost and our loneliness this is what we called attachment and this is what the Buddha speak about attachment holds us back, we should accept life when it comes and let it go when it is ready to leave, things comes and it goes nothing stays and remember life cannot die only body can. visualize your departed one in a state of freedom bliss moving at the speed of light, when you remember him or her smile about the memory and in time you will understand and the pain will be less an less
John, I feel your pain. Going through the same thing. When your spouse is a kindred spirit, there seems to be no one to fill the gap.
Grandkids, kids, neighbors—-it just doesn’t cut it. They fill the moment but not the hours. I wish it weren’t so, but life is full of hard knocks. God sees and hears. I bet He cries with us. One day, we will see our loved one again. Blessings, Pat
Garry i lost my wife 5 months ago and i know how you feel and what you are going through. We where married 63 years and im 83 now i have sufferd likre you with lonliness and no family as such so i started to go to the Gym as i had always looked after my fitness and looking after my wife for the oast 3 years i had put on weight so im on a diet and going to the gym 5 days a week and meeting people that go there and spend an hour a day monday to friaday working out the people on recieption cant believe that im doing what im doing but ity has given me something else to think about and helps with my lonliness and i also have my wifes ashes in the living room window with a photo of my wife and i talk to her a lot while im in the house alone and i talk to her as if she is still with me hoppe this helps gary
June i understand how you feel. I moved 3500 miles to be with my wife. We fell in love and were married sept 19 2014. She had a very rare Muscular Dystrophy called Friedreichs Ataxia. I was her primary caregiver. Her parents took care of her when I was at work 8 hrs a day 5 days a week. Other than that we were together. Long Story short she died February 26 2019 at 1:01 pm at a hospital due to respiratory failure from congestive heart failure related to her Friedreichs Ataxia. She was only 39 and a half years old. Im 49 and a half. We dont have any children. Now im southern babtist and I dont believe in suicide but i wishbut i wish I was just with her.
I lost my love suddenly and unexpectedly less than a month ago. He was only 43 years old; it’s the most disorienting loss I’ve ever been through. I do know I will survive this, for my kids, but the pain of living another 50 years without this man in my life feels insurmountable.
I know. I keep doing, but I’m not sure why. I don’t want to eat I don’t want to think I don’t want to be friendly I don’t want to be nice I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to breathe I don’t want to be in this world without him. I and all my life I’ve had hurt in so many different ways but this just takes the cake. He was my person. My everything my life and now it’s just done over I can’t fix it I can’t change it and I just don’t want any of it I wish I could give whatever days I have left away to someone that could use them like a child with cancer that could use the rest of my days I wish I could just give them away cuz I can’t I’m stuck in this place
I hope you are ok and in a much better place now. Your life is precious.
June, I’m so sorry for your heartache—-it really is a heart ache isn’t it? I lost my husband 4 months ago and my mother 3 months before that. So many deaths in my family. I too was a caregiver for 3 years. My poor husband had prostate and pancreatic cancer, and he was in chemo and immunotherapy and hospitals and dealing with the recovery of surgeries.
We were married 44 years. It’s like losing an arm or a leg and trying to function like you are normal. I can’t tell you the deepness of being alone–but you know all too well.
My daughter lives 20 miles away, so I see her maybe once a week for a few hours. I live in a place I’ve only been in for 6 years, and haven’t developed a lot of friends due to babysitting my grandkids for 5 years.
This is the hardest walk I have ever walked, and I myself have had cancer.
Life throws fast balls—and they hurt when they hit. I just wish there were something we could all take to make it go away. But God sees and hears. Take care friend.
Please don’t give up!!! Trust God I know it’s not easy But know that you are loved and there is still joy waiting for you
Your message discribes me to a tee!😥
We were married 56 yrs. It is so lonely and grief strickened
I ask the Lord to take me every night. It’s only been 9 weeks for me.
I understand. My son was killed three months ago going to the store. He was gunned down 12 times. Then the third month after he passed. this month, my husband tells me he had a 12 year affair and left me alone for her. This is my first real night alone in pretty much all my life. I dont know what to do. I have other through this night. I have not even faced .y som is gone yet.
You are so right .I have my dogs &horses that keep me going my husband died3 years ago …loneliness just creeps in …
My four legged friends are what I have also. Joe died 8 months ago. 23 yrs he was my best friend, my family,my everything. I dont have any other family nor do I have kids. I dont know how to get through this. There were no support from friends, seems like I lost them. I haven’t had a hug in months. I go to therapy and grief share. They have families and support systems. I’m really trying but it’s so painful, especially the loneliness. I’m about broke too to add on to the stress. The only person that loved me is gone.
my husband of 33 1/2 years dies of lung cancer metastasized to brain on Nov 4, 18.
I am alone; no kids. His family abandoned me at his diagnosis. I never in my wildest imagination thought it could be this/so bad. The loneliness I mean. We were each other’s everything; and we liked it that way. Now, I don’t know. Wish I had more friends? Probly not. Sometimes I don’t know how I’m going to make it from one minute to the next. A stranger touched me on New Year’s Eve…a man. it sent me into a very bad meltdown.
I’m so very sad.
joyce m.
Please check out local or regional Hospice for assistance. They can help.
I can so relate. It has been 5 months since my husband is with the Lord. Grief is like a Rollercoaster. Up and down. I feel like I am treading water and I can’t stop or grief will take me. I am somewhat better and learning to understand me. It is challenging when you have been with someone since you were 18 and now 66 yrs later you are now single. I journal daily. Read inspirational Bible verses and pray. All is well God is in charge. Hope this helps you. One day at a time. Each of us is different.
same here ann. my husband died decembr last year..at this very moment im still grieving..from time to time i cried a lot sob myself to death..i felt like i couldnt handle this..he was with almost all the time..wherever i go, whatever i do he was there..but all of a sudden he’s gone. i thought life is so unfair..i got so angry, i felt so much guilt.i blamed myself everytime. if only i go with him that day he will never had that accident that took his life right there and then.im still in so much pain and loneliness..as a punishment i just want to embrace this til my last day..
my husband of 24 years past 2 weeks ago after battling a rare form of cancer. it never metastisized. He was just days from getting out of the Icu. He developed pneumonia that was too hard to beat. he was able to say good bye to each of us (we have 4 daughters) two of them being just 13years old. The most amazing father and husband…How can i ever begin to deal with that! I am so sorry for your loss and understand what you’re going through
Just remember Cecille. Your loved one doesn’t want you to blame yourself. Love your self, cry when you want to, just go through each step if grief. I can feel your pain and I am so sorry. I am still not in the place where it doesn’t hurt my heart and I still I miss you Tom. You are my sunshine which we sang to each other almost every day. Oh how i loved that man.
My kind and gentle husband died in my arms only seventeen days ago. I have no wish to leave the house, to answer the phone or to speak to people. I am empty inside and just wish I could have taken my last breath at the same time he did. I hate this life I am forced to lead now and miss him every minute of each day from waking to bed time.
Please don’t feel that way. I There is a world full of people and you are needed to help others in some way you may not understand. We all make a difference.
Omg thank you. Somehow your message touched me I lost my 19 yr old son to suicide 2006 then 6 months and 3 days later my mother. I coped with it all wrong taking pills, drinking and drug seeking to numd/mask the pain. For 81/2 yrs before the truck smacked me!but my so called friends,family and my best friend ( my spouse ) never really showed poo r gave mm e love and support and now everyone thinks he is amazing putting up with all that and now I have 51/2 yrs good right then god thought I might need another test so I had a stroke 21/2 yrs ago I’m begging for real help I’m lost it’s dark and I can’t get home. I could use a friend😔 thanks
pam, i can only say i feel exactly like you.i know i will never be happy again. it’s now been 13 days of hell.
people say i’m alive. i’m not,inly eat sleep and go to the bathroom. i so wish it were me that had passed. my best friend and companion.
My sweet and gentle 58 yr. old husband died at our home with me and our son there with him. It was almost 8 months ago, but it feels like yesterday. No time passing seems to matter. I have to push myself to go to work and try for our son and daughter. Your comments were well said in expressing how this feels. I pray all the time and I know God is with me. I know this most likely isn’t helping you in any way, except to know that you aren’t alone. Pam, I will pray for peace in your heart and strength to continue.
Jodee i lost my husband lat year 9/29/18.
Everything was great on friday 22 was my daughters 16
Birthday and my husband rented a party bus.
We had so much fun. The week went forward and got back to back to work my daughter in school everything eas normal. Thursday we woke up got ready to work he talk to me on the cell but was so busy wr kept
Calling each other. That night he gone home at 10:30 told
Me he would eat and take shower. I went to sleep at 3am i hhear him i woke up and ask if he was ok . He yes he was jujust hot i got him water and he fainted i screamed
My daughter called 911 the rest was a blur
We told him to open his eyes we said we him.
He open his eyes wide and then took that last
Deep breath I’ve never seen and died right in front of my
daughter and i. I miss him so…. Much its been a year and i find it harder then the first year and the first
Was a nightmare. No one understands my loneliness
38 year we were married. He was my best
Friend my lover and a great father to our children
My pain is unbearable. But i go on alone in this pain. I’m
broken and i know it. Trying to find a group in astoria queens ny but membership are 44 dollars. Can’t afford
Im head of house hold but for my god im standing
But it’s so hard . i will never be the same again.
I pray i scream but to the rest i must put on
a mask and say im ok because they could never handle the truth. Prayers to all.
Hi Ivy,
I am sorry for your loss and the pain that
you are going through.
My name is Renata.
I lost my mother 6 months ago to cancer.
I am trying my best to live on with an
empty feeling in my heart which is very difficult
at times.
I also live in Astoria, Queens.
I have found few berevament groups to go
to for free through churches. But I have
not had the strength to go to any.
If you want you can write my email at
[email protected] and I can give you
the names of the churches where they
have the groups.
I lost my husband after 54yrs of marriage and 2yrs of dating. 56yrs gone in a matter of minutes. Sudden heart attack. Never dreamed that would happen. That was 5 months ago. I have to force myself to get out of bed. Sometimes I don’t get up. It never leaves my mind. I wish it I want to be with him.
I lost my husband in his sleep too–we were together 33 years. I have no children. I’m sad and so lost. This happened one month ago. I hope some can tell me there is hope. I’m sorry for everyone’s loss. It hurts so badly.
I also lost my husband one month ago Coz of bile duct cancer stage 4 , he was my bestfriend, best lover and he was so funny, I missed him so much everyday..But I read the bible each night and be with my family everyday..tried to go somewhere with them, nature walking and beach hopping…I feel comforted but in the night time I felt alone, so I read the bible and learned life is like that,its normal, we are just like visitors here on earth all later will go..so now Im trying to smile again and moving on.
I lost my husband of 41 years on October 5th of a sudden cardiac arrest never saw that coming I’m so sad and cry all the time it would be easier to just be gone then having this feeling of hoplessness and sadness can’t seem to cope and it didn’t help that i found out right before died that he had cheated on me with a so called friend I don’t even know how to deal with all of it
I lost my husband of 25 years to heart attack at my house. Found he had emotional affair 5 months before but we were trying to figure it out. Now he’s gone and I’m alone at 62 with nobody. Just my daughter no family.
I too lost my husband to be (he was only 46 😔 I’m 31) last Oct 2019, he was diagnosed with renal cell kidney cancer stage 4 in June and it had metastasized to his liver, bowel, main artery and lungs by end of Sept. I gave up work to become his soul caregiver (we were also very fortunate to have some wonderful friends around us to keep our/his spirits up🌟) at the same time our beloved furbaby french bulldog had a freak accident and had to be euthanasied 10 days before his human daddy passed. It’s been 3 months of pure hell. My hearts completely crushed, soul feels it’s been torn in half and my brain is functioning but don’t ask me how. I can’t stop thinking all I want is him back and how could this of happened to us, all we did is work our butts off and try to be good people. I feel for you all so much and am so sorry for your headache your all going through too.
I understand exactly how you feel. I lost my husband of 31 years on 10/21/18 and I’m devastated. We were high school sweethearts. I was with him at that last moment and the trauma has not subsided. I feel exactly as you do. The pain is indescribable. Thank you for putting into words what I’m going through too.
Pam, (and others)
When you can, seek out help with your grief at your local or regional Hospice.
They are experts in helping with grief. Many have general monthly meetings, open to everyone, and most have grief support groups, that you sign up for, for eight or nine weeks. Mine was for 55 and older and met during the afternoon as opposed to early evening meeting times.
At least look into it and go to one of the monthly meetings when you are able. I went to my first one about 12 days after my wife died. Be well and Good luck
How can you not feel sad and lonely. My apologies for the typos.
Your feelings are normal. How can you. Oh feel sad and lonely? I lost my husband two months ago. The Doctor in the ER realized I was suicidal and she was a angel to me. If not for her, I don’t know what I would have done! I’m sorry for your loss. I pray that in time you find the Peace you deserve.
I lost my wife and best friend 7 days ago to cardiac arrest. She was only 37 and we were high school sweethearts. Next year would have been our 20th anniversary of being together. I emphasize with you. Even bring around my family and friends I feel this loneliness and void. It’s not fair and I wish I had a solution other then just moving on.
My husband died in my arms after fighting cancer for 5 years. I still worked he could take care of his self. The cancer and all it’s side affect tore him down strokes heart attack’s seizures blood clots. It started in his jaw they took it out and made him look great. 5 years later it went to his lungs and bones he was in so much pain. I got to spend the last 2 weeks of his life in our bed together he was hurting so bad. He died in my arms his last word were I can’t breath. I just kept telling him over and over. I love you I love you until he was gone 34 years and my lover is just gone.
I lost my love of 30 years to lung cancer may 9,2018
I spent the last 3 months keeping very busy working around the house. I stopped 3 days ago. I feel very alone. I hope I can learn and grow through this terrible heart wrenching pain. I have to get to the other side. It’s just a very scary and painful place to be, aloneness after loss.
In two weeks it will be both a year since my wife passed and her bday. I’m so lost without her. I’m 33. How am I supposed to do this for another 30 years? Everyone thinks I should be getting better by now but I’m as lonely and lost as the day she died.
Don’t let people make you feel bad, there is no right or wrong way to mourn & there is no time limitation on how long you can mourn someone that meant the world to you.
Hi Dj sorry for ur loss i can understand how u get sick of hearing that because i do loss mmy partner and best friend of 20 years i feel the same how can i live the rest of my lifr my life without him just want to end it .
My husband Jerry passed away on May 17 early in the morning. He had stage 4 colon cancer.
I am an emotional wreck with a few glimpses of rational thinking that are helping me do the things I need to do like go to work, take care of my 2 dogs, yard work, taking care of finances, etc. I am exhausted, too, having to take on everything by myself. I find myself thinking, if this is all there is for me, then I don’t want this life at all. I am alone and don’t have any children or grandchildren to give me happiness. I miss Jerry so much!
Joy,I’m so sorry for your loss I too lost my husband Jerry on May 17th 2018 cardiac arrest out of no where.Im broken beyond loneliness…..We were inseparable married for 38 yrs….
Hi Cathy. I feel your pain. I lost my husband Oct. 1 of cardiac issues too–of of nowhere. We were together 33 years. How are you doing several months later? I need some ways to cope with this loss and not be so sad all of the time.
I lost Virginia after she had 3 major strokes, many TIA over 18 years of time. The fourth and final one took her. That was 18 months ago. I find help in the Lord but loneliness is still here I cry almost every day sometimes all day. I have tried a number of things nothing is stopping the lonely heart feeling. I find the words above of help. But the pain is still here in the heart. Tears come out of nowhere and anything can trigger it. The Lord is helping me but I’m not healed all the way yet.
I lost Virginia after she had 3 major strokes, many TIA over 18 years of time. The fourth and final one took her. That was 18 months ago. I find help in the Lord but loneliness is still here I cry almost every day sometimes all day. I have tried a number of things nothing is stopping the lonely heart feeling. I find the words above of help. But the pain is still here in the heart. Tears come out of nowhere and anything can trigger it. The Lord is helping me but I’m not healed all the way yet.
My fiancé committed suicide on May 22, 2018. The grief and loneliness is unbearable. We were to be wed on October 17, 2018 and then travel to Italy for our honeymoon. He touched so many peoples lives and to watch him with his patients was awe striking. He held his pain to himself and carried the weight of the world. I will never be the same and I’m terrified to lose again. I’m trying to celebrate his life and the amazing person he is. I know his two kids as well as my 4 are trying to understand but how can anyone of understand. I MISS HIM SO MUCH!
I found this article soothing somehow I’m not sure why. I lost my fiancée on the 9-8-16 only 4 months after having our 3rd child & it was unexpected, He was my soulmate, my better half, my everything. I still miss him everyday & have so many regrets.
Loneliness is starting to creep in & I never planned to move on even though he wanted me to but I’m missing the simple things of being in a realationship, I feel really lost.
It helps to read about other people loss I feel bad for them but I feel like at least I’m not alone I lost my husband to cancer nine months ago he was only 53 years old we had three daughters one of which we lost in a car accident eight years ago in 2010 she was only 20 I have two other daughters and three granddaughters love being with my husband for 33 years but I miss him so much I just miss having someone there to feel safe and secure I always had that safe and secure feeling and now that he’s gone I don’t have anymore and I feel like half my family is gone I’ve gained weight since my husband was sick for five years and now I don’t feel attractive enough to even start a relationship with anyone else but I do want the closeness that I had before I will never find anyone like him but just having some affection someone holds would be great !!!
I lost my husband in May of this year to cancer, a few days before our youngest daughters birthday, a few weeks before our anniversary and now my eldest daughters 18th birthday. I feel so alone sitting in at nights, my in laws are amazing and my eldest sister is amazing also. I get upset when my own mother tells me I’ll get over it, that’s all she ever says and it makes me so angry. Infinite e during the day but the evenings are so hard when it used to be just the 2 of us.
I lost my husband of 40 years 2 weeks ago. He became ill and within 2 weeks he passed away. I still cannot believe this has happened. I find myself lonely because he had a great sense of humor, we laughed a lot.
Thanks so much for sharing such clear, thought-provoking, and insightful words. In a vain attempt to mitigate the profound feelings of loss, depression, immobilization, and hopelessness after my wonderful Mom’s unexpected passing last November, I stumbled upon your article.
While I’m not finding too many constructive ways to cope with the tragedy, it’s reassuring to know that I’m not violating any — alright most — of the “do not want to do” strategies.
Nevertheless, it feels like an upward battle to continue to navigate life as I truly lost the only source of unconditional love in my life.
But upon self-reflection, I have to admit to myself that I’m living with the ‘What if’s,” “if only’s,” and the other depressing mantra, “it’s not fair.”
And while I can forge a closer relationship with my aunt, my mom’s sister, I’m now inclined not to do so. Her concern and love for me pales in comparison to what Mom offered. It’s like accepting a morsel of kindness when I’m starving for Mom’s brand of unconditional love.
In any event, I appreciate the wisdom you shared, and I only hope that I can eventually implement ALL your suggestions.
I understand how you feel! I too lost the person who loved me unconditionally. I lost you husband 2 months ago. Grief can lead to isolation. If your aunt is reaching out, why not give her a chance? Maybe she needs you. I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m sinking in despair, hv no motivation or direction; no incentive to go on in my new existence which is totally empty now. My husband of 47yrs died of glioblastoma w me, Easter wknd; I was hs only caregiver and no other family – I avoid needed tasks, they make me think of my reality, so I watch other ppls lives in movies etc to escape. I can’t believe this is “the rest of my life”. I don’t hv the resources to run away or buy things I don’t need fr escape so my forever w fit into a small tight box.
my name is melinda i lost my husband june 11 2018.Talk about being lonely.He was my best friend.He died from a massive heartattack. I do keep busy night is so sad. You wonder where every one went .Thats why i loved him so much.We took care off each other.We would off been married dec 23 25 years.I REALLY TRY TO KEEP GOING. But i miss him.I know he is never comeing back. Thats what makes me so sad
Last December I lost my sister. Now I am so lost and lonely. She was 18 years older than me and loved me unconditionally. She was my best friend, my mother, my life. I’m not an easy person to live with but she accepted all my faults and loved me thru them. I only had her and my boyfriend of 26 yrs who I live with. He decided during my sisters 1 yr battle with lung cancer that it was the best time to take up with a new girlfriend! I was too busy flying to Florida every few months for sis so I pushed it aside. Now she is gone and I share (barely) a home with him. He is never here anymore and since I have no children or family I am so distraught I can barely get through a day at times. I miss her so much it hurts so bad. Him I’m angry and hurt but if I say anything he will leave and then I will be totally alone. I am at a standstill. I can’t clean, my diet is horrible. It seems life stopped when she left me. She was the only one that would drop anything for me. I wasn’t so nice. I complained too much, didn’t give her enough time or attention. Now I’m beating myself up inside. The guilt, sadness, anger overwhelms me at times and I don’t know what to do. Is it ever going to stop hurting so much? It’s Friday night, he’s at his girlfriends and I have been bawling my eyes out for the past hour. I hate living like this. I don’t even have any friends. How sad is that. I just needed to talk to someone. It’s 2am. It sucks to be alone. Thank you for listening to me. It’s calmed me down just a bit.
I lost my wife of 24 year 9 weeks ago today….I found her in the tub dead…..she had a heart attack. The day she died I was taking he to have a blood test and at a traffic light she looked at me and “Im going to die today and im so worried what will happen to you……10 hours later she was dead.
Im disabled no kids no family all dead….just 3 cats. Im trying to sell the house and get into a over 55 community …
Im in such bad shape I wish every day i was with Delia . Im 61 ad she was 69. Im lost and envy delia wish i dead.
I lost my wonderful husband May 11, 2015 to leukemia and I am just getting worse with anxiety, depression and panic. We did everything together. I don’t even want to live. I am so lost and lonely without him. We were married 39 years. I tried medications and therapy but nothing helps. I pray to God to help me.
I know the feeling , everytime the husbands are involved I am left out. My husband died 6 years in Oct 2 and the loneliness haughty me, even though I try to keep busy
I lost my husband on February 5, 2017. We had been married for 45 years and he was my soul mate and best friend. I miss him terribly every day and I too wish I could be with him now. I have 5 sisters who all have great husbands and I am so very much alone. God does not want me to envy, but it is really hard not to want what each of them now have that I don’t. Getting thru one day at a time is even rough. Loneliness is terrible to say the least.
My heart and prayers goes to each and everyone who has ever lost a loved one.
My husband went to the hospital with a fever and left in a body bag the god damn hospital killed him they domed him from the start never trust anybody I used to care now I just hate everyone especially people who claim to care me and my husband put trust in these people and they let us down doctors and nurses kill every day and nobody thinks twice about it they can kill it’s just gross buddy my husband was just 40 and had 3 children he only wanted to get better and now he’s buried on the hill and all there is pain his six year old son didn’t get to see his dad cause of hospital Policies it’s just plain evil how hospitals can take lives and still bill you for it buddy had so much love to give he was a kind person very humble me and buddy have nothing every last penny went to him being buried how does this happen why can’t hospitals care more
I Feel your pain,l,m also convinced the hospital killed my husband,they also had him doomed since say one,three weeks in intensive care and every day was a royal battle with the Drs. they ALL had different opinions,no one could agreed except to let him die! I wish l could sue their ass,THEY WORE ME DOWN AND TRICKED ME ,NOW MY SONS HATE ME,,I DON’T WANT TO GO ON,,THERE IS NO ONE TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.I AM MAD AT GOD BUT I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM OTHERWISE I WOULD BE DEAD TOO.
The VA killed my honey 32 yrs June 1, 2018. He had pain in his left shoulder. They misdiagnosed him twice under questionable circumstances. One dr. said he saw a torn muscle on an x-ray. Waited forever for an appt. with a specialist who, just by looking at his arm, said it was a pinched nerve. Referred him for PT and by the time that appt came he was in oncology with end-stage lung cancer. You can’t sue them. I want to be with him. I can’t take this pain in my heart much longer.
I lost my wife of 54 years 20 days ago to pancreatic cancer. Her life was mostly filled with pain for the last 18 months. I am thankful to God for the time we had together but now my life seems meaningless. I wish He had taken us together.
I lost my wife to colon cancer on August 7th. I feel so sad. I was her care giver right till the end. I don’t sleep much and still take care of my 12 year old daughter. We did everything together. Our marriage was a blessing. I struggle with how this could have happened. She was only 51. I want all of you to know how much it helps to know I’m not alone. Thanks for reading
My husband died April 8 2018 after being sick from a massive stroke 6 months prior. I took care of him for 4 months up until he passed at home. That was hard work. Then I had to sell my house right away and I did. That was hard also.
Now I’m in a 55 plus RV park. I am trying to drive I get anxiety. So I dont really go anywhere.
The loneliness is the hardest thing for me. We worked together did everything together for years. I miss him on movie night. I miss cooking for 2, now I dont know what to eat. My son is close and I have a granddaughter that’s the light of my life but hes to busy to come by and I cant get there yet.
I reward myself for driving to the store but in the wrong way spending money on lottery tickets.
This is horriable I need blood work done and cant get myself there because I don’t want to know anymore bad news. I often feel like I dont want to be here anymore but I’m to chicken to do anything about it.
I take it one day at a time.
It’s been 3 months since my husband passed. He was 36yrs old. It’s just me & my 6 year old son now. My whole life has been turned upside down. I am lost for words. I can’t even put all my emotions in this message. Thank you to everyone who has poured out the hearts & shared their pain. It’s good to know that we do not stand alone in this brokenness. May God bless you all & give you all peace of mind…. and a smile here & there. ❤
Lost my wife to cancer 7 and a half years ago. She was 58 when cancer was found and died at age 60. We were married 13 years. Knew each other many years prior .she was perfect for me. Did not fight or argue.they say marriage lot of work,not with her.coffee in morning, cocktails at night then dinner we fixed together. There are times yet when loneliness is almost unbearable,still cry sometimes when I see a couple holding hands or something on t.v..read somewhere the loneliness of the most lonely better than being with some one not compatible with. It helps to know I am not.alone with how I feel. After almost eight years I want to say my faith has helped,friends and family has helped.last thing wife said to me was do not close curtains and start drinking or I will haunt your sorry ass
That has motivated me. Being almost eight years let me say ,hang in there , there will be bad days and there will be good days.enjoy the good days and endure the bad ones. Bit will never be easy but you can do it
I lost my husband of 54 yrs over a year ago. We did everything together. The majority of our friends still have their mates so I miss being able to go out. The evenings are especially lonely, having dinner alone and not having anyone to laugh with. I don’ even cook anymore and don’t even want to do anything around the house, what’s the point. No one is here.
Dear Janet. I lost my husband of 52 years. I am heartbroken ..anything over 50 years marriage is not gonna be fixed. Write me if you want Juliette Crossley 4 Fore St. Bere Alston Devon PL207AD
Heather just found this site good to know I’m not alone.Lost my wonderful husband of 50 years on Jan.2,2018 to cancer.Managed to keep him home TIL 4 days before he passed but he was not a complainer and we didn’t realize how sick he was we got to say our goodbyes.I am so miserable without him as we were inseparable.Get mad when I see couples together.We had so many plans especially for our 50 th anniversary which he never made it to our actual date.I have a son and two grandsons nearby and daughter living away.I am trying hard not to be a burden to them so I do everything myself even my cancer apts.So yes life is so different and incredibly lonely most days.
I lost my husband of 16 years. I’m 63. He was the light in my life. We were very close. The closer you are, the harder it is! We had so much in common. He was a wonderful person. I keep going, but I always feel the loss. I’td difficult to put in into words. I’m sure you know what I mean. I am sorry for the loss of your husband.
I lost my partner of 7 years suddenly in June 2018 leaving me and our now 18 month old twin bboys devastated. I feel I am just existing for my boys and don’t see any other purpose in life. Each day that is over I am one more day closer to being with my soul mate who I wish I had taken my last breath with. Life is so lonely as I have no family or friends only my 2 boys who are my life. Although I know I’m not alone i will always be lonely because half of me is now in heaven. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is the most painful experience in life….the pain may get easier but it will never go away.
I lost my wife due to a kidney disease on August 3, 2018. We were married for 32 years. She was my other half in life, I know she is free of all pain and suffering she has endured with this disease sitting at the right hand of our Lord. Now i have to live with this disease of losing the Love of my life. It is not the same here on earth with out her, we did everything together. People tell me its going to take time to heal and move forward, but she went home and she took me with her!!
Loneliness is the hardest. I lost my love just 11 weeks ago, I have no one to share the pain with, people are busy, some of my ernstwhile closest friends walked away at the terminal diagnosis 12months ago. The person you shared your problems with, the ups and downs, life’s small things, and the big, the one to hug you and hold you and hold your heart tight in theirs….is the one who has gone. No one can ease that loneliness or pain. It’s learning to grow round the pain, like an oyster grows around a seed stone, and after many years hopefully, may grow a pearl, maybe.
I was shocked when my husband of 49 years died in his sleep. I have found out what I can do to kill myself and that makes me feel better.
Susan,
I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you are suffering. I understand how often a griever will say that they don’t want to live without their loved one here. And I understand that sometimes it feels like the only way to express
the depth of the pain and suffering someone can feel after loss.
Still I wanted to be sure to address your comment and make sure you know of help that can be available.
If you are in crisis, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Line. They have 24/7 support including talk, chat & text.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
I have included the link above.
Please take care of yourself~
Bless your heart. I feel your pain. The shock makes it more difficult. You’re a good, sensitive soul. and you are going to be all right. Please take care of yourself.
I lost my husband 1st of October the year 2017 he was only 47 years old….We had a fantastic marriage and we had a very close relationship….the last week of his life was as normal as can be and there was no symptoms of his heart attack. that last day we spent together as a family as we have two young sons together …we went shopping and had our hair cut…we had a play fight at home that lasted several hours…we had our dinner and then my husband got into his uniform kissed me and our sons goodnight and went to work, he never came home he had died on the side of the road by himself…its been a year since I last spoke touched and cuddle my hubby and its been really hard…as you some how lead two lives, one that is an everyday life that you have to protect your children from the horrors in this world and go about your daily chores and people then assume you are doing okay.(but you are really screaming inside) and the other life is that one behind closed doors…the silent crying in the night when you are alone in bed and everyone is asleep, the one in the shower or bath when you can some how release some of your pain, but try to be quiet as you don’t want to upset your family. I had to focus on my children and provide for them throughout my grief as I had no choice
My husband of 50 years died 22 months ago.i am lonely and no one cares.He was a very loving kind person.
I gamble and I have to stop. I need money I don’t want to sell my home which is mortgaged.i work I am not very happy.i don’t have real friends they died about 4 months after my husband.i hope and pray God will help me.
I don’t know what to do. I use to be a neat person and now I am messy.i don’t want to be home and when I go to the casino I forget about everything but I can not afford to go.i wish God would call me I miss him so much!
I lost my partner of 23yrs. He had early onset Parkinson’s. I was his care giver. He passed July 28th. The last year caring for him was very difficult, I work full time.
He was falling all the time and dislocating his shoulder all the time. The firefighters and ambulance guys knew who we were. He had an operation and started to hallucinate after it and became more difficult to care for. He refused to go to adult day care and I couldn’t stay home and watch him. Homecare is very expensive.
It was cheaper for him to live in Idaho with his sister. But she couldn’t handle his care and put him in a rest home. Six months later he died. He hated it there. I would call to talk to him, but Parkinson’s took his voice away and it was very hard to hear him.
I feel guilty, lost and lonely. I work tons of hours to prevent thinking about everything. I miss him. He was my best friend. He knew me better than anyone. I miss his sense of humor, his laughter, his kindness and thoughtfulness I talk to him in my head frequently.
The weekends I’m depressed. I can’t get myself to do anything. I dont know what to do with myself. I end up doing nothing Sat, Sunday I’m more productive then the week starts over again. I think this time it will be better. I’ll break the pattern, but it doesn’t happen. I’m 59 and not sure what the future holds for me. It feels like my life is over and I am just going through the motions. Maybe writting these feelings down will help.
I lost my husband just a month ago.he was complaining of having a fever and so he went to the express med and the doctor told him to go to emergency right away because his eyes were yellow.he was in hospital for 1 week ,released him after 3 days of releasing him ,he died at home of blood infection,liver and kidney failure.we were married for 20 plus years and have 2 kids.he was just 59 and I’m so lost that I feel like I will never be happy again.im very lonely and feeling empty,I cried every day ,he was a great husband,father and he was the bread winner of the family.i wish I was the one that died first
I lost my only child age 13. He died in an accident while playing what kids are calling the choking game or pass out challenge on youtube. He played it alone and died. I found him. The most horrific scene a mother could ever come across. He couldnt be saved.loneliness, guilt of not knowing what he was doing. I feel my life is over. He was my everything. My whole world is shattered. Physically I can not have anymore children. Sometimes I feel God has played a cruel joke on me. What am I to do with my life.?? I have no purpose.
I want to die !! In 5 years my loss has taken me to hell. I had the big home nice cars ski boat it was a good life. Until death started stalking my life !! It started with my beloved aunt found her dead in her home. One year later my father died in my home next to me. Six months later my sister I found dead in her bed with tv on and remote in hand. A year later my mother died in my home of bone cancer. Then to top it all off my only child hits national news because she is killed leaving her hotel in Texas. They said she was struck by at least 8 vehicles. With the cost death has burden me with I am homeless now. I was power of attorney of both parents that I diaperd and bathed plus getting my 27 year old daughters body back to my state. The cost of care was out of control. Now I am trying to figure out if this life of mine is even worth continuing. I am not needed anymore there forth I have no worth to anyone. I wanna go home !!!!
I have done everything that you shouldn’t. I kept myself busy , too busy.
Then I met a gentleman who (I didn’t realise at the time ) i was using to try and feel the emptiness I have.
I am 48 and my husband died in his sleep, both of us unaware of any problems and I feel as if i’m floundering.
I lost my wife 9 Months ago, at age 57. I was her husband and caregiver, for many years. I Have never felt lonelier than I do right now. I talk to people everyday, have lots of friends and family who care. I pray to God everyday to comfort me. Hard to see how I will ever be happy again.
This really doesn’t pertain to those of us who have lost a child. You see, our pain and loneliness will last until our last breath. It is like no other loss.
My husband of 44 years died 8 years ago of pancreatic cancer. My daughter and 4 year old grandson were living with me and I had to get up every day. But they bought their own home three years ago and now the loneliness is always overwhelming me. I am an introvert by nature and I don’t know what purpose there is to living anymore. I have recently stopped going to church and started meditating. He always made me laugh and I miss that so much. He loved living so much and I wish I could have given my years cause I don’t know what to do with them anyways. I keep trying to find my wway but sometimes I am just so weary and I don’t know what to do anymore.
My second wife of 20 years passed away in mmid December 2018 with metastisied
melonoma in the brain, diagnosis to passing was just over 11 weeks, my loss of such a caring and loving wife is impossible to describe, I see no way ahead of restarting my life over for a second time, I feel for the thousands and thousands of people in the same situatiom as me. Perhaps life will be kind to me but today I’m feeling to lonely to even consider this prospect
Just lost my wife 5 weeks ago to pancreatic cancer we were married 33 years I feel like I lost one of my arms I feel lonely day and nite although I try to think positive it just don’t work I pray someday I can get over the pain and move on with my life I just don’t know at this point.
My beloved died 4 weeks ago today. I have read all these posts and now i feel like i know its never going 5o get better. Will i ever feel joy? Will I ever feel any happiness? I am calling a grief counselor provided by my employer on Monday. Please someone tell me it gets somewhat better?
At 4 weeks, you are likely totally disoriented and in shock. If so, it will certainly get better, yet some things can get worse. I only been down this road for 7 to 8 months now. I am better than I was the first 4 weeks by a vast amount. But at this point it remains rough even brutal often. It seems to cycle though we are all different as they say. Still 4 weeks is so fresh and disorienting. Persevere. Seek counseling locally, grief group participation as soon as you can. It will help and others will be there to understand and accept.
I have been reading these kinds of blogs since my wife of 37 years died suddenly 6 months ago, searching for some kind of panacea for the overwhelming pain of grief and loss. These months have felt like a kind of never ending concussion. I have read all the classic texts on grief, I have sought therapy, I have obeyed all the entirely wise instructions about caring for my health and seeking out the company of friends. But I am of the view that there will always be a part of me that will never fully accept what has happened. And now, the great challenge is loneliness. For 6 months the world has become divided for me between those who have experienced grief and those who haven’t. Reading about the experiences of others who know what this process actually feels like, offers me some kind of understanding that I am not alone in my despair and my loneliness. And that offers some kind of hope. Thank you all for sharing your pain, and know that you are not alone in your grief. I believe that for all of us, in time, the memory of the person we have loved and lost can be a source of strength and comfort.
This is an exceptional post in its own right. Thank you. I have and am experiencing much of what you allude to with about the same degree of perspective.
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I lost my husband, best friend, and partner in crime for 41 years only 2 days ago due to undetected Pneumonia which infected all sorts of other organs. It took less than 20 hours until the ventilators were turned off. I am just stunned how fast all this happened and can’t wrap my head around it. I am so scared of the future. He was my world and the reason I got up in the morning. I cry a lot and sometimes I feel like someone is grabbing my insides and twisting. How will I handle such grief for years? I have absolutely no support. We just moved here recently and have not made any friends. No children and family lives in two different countries. This is a rural area and no groups nearby. I don’t mind being alone but it would be nice to have an option. Financially I’m toast. He took care of me while I worked in his home-based business. But without him, the business does not exist. Won’t be easy to find a job at 60. Oh, listen to me whine!
At the moment I am still very busy making arrangements, making lists of what has to be dealt with, in order of most to least important, just to have something to keep my mind busy. Hung his picture over my computer screen so he can watch over me and I see him every time I look up.
I am just happy that I found this blog and see many going through the same thing. Makes me feel not so alone. I miss him so very much already. Today there was a beautiful bird on our feeder and I turned around to tell him about it and the only thing a saw was his empty chair. I an so devistated.
I lost my husband to cardiac arrest on 1st march 2019 after being in hospital since 1st January im lost we were married for 41 years while in hospital our first great grandchild was born on feb 4 he did get to see her its very very hard to carry on but for my family I have to I say goodnight to him as if hes still here but I have our german shepherd to keep me company but I miss him so much
I lost my husband of 46 yrs 8 months ago, I do work part time and have children and grandchildren close by who are a comfort to me, but I still struggle with loneliness and the loss of the future with my husband. I hope you are feeling a little less shock and are supported by your family. Have you been able to keep the business you had with your husband?
I feel lucky to stumble upon this post, the comments and replies. I lost my husband Dec 20, 2018, having been diagnosed with cancer just two months prior. The intense grief has shocked me. I read a lot and I think I am doing my best to work through it. The loneliness is intense. I am a Realtor, I work but have cut back, go to the gym, go to church, meet up with friends but returning to the empty house is heart wrenching.
Knowing others are experiencing similar feelings helps. I do not wish this on anyone, it’s just good to know I am not going crazy and this is normal.
I lost my husband of 59 years in February of this year. I thought I was doing pretty good,but the lonliness recently is killing me. I have no family near me,and have a few friends but they really don,t understand how I feel. I know it hasn,t been that long but I hate to think my life will be so lonely from now on.
I lost my husband just over 4 weeks ago we were married for49years and together for 50 I miss him so much I am so lonely my sons keep on saying stop crying we have lost our dad too help what do I do
My husband drew his last breath March 5, 2019.
I’m finding the mornings and the endless nights unbearable. I keep thinking about doing a chore to keep myself busy but I don’t care about anything. I’m over-eating at night just for something to do. I wonder sometimes if he really existed because he is getting farther and farther away in my mind. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but I’m forgetting how he smelled and how he sounded. I’m looking normal to people who see me. They all tell me how good I’m looking, but they’re not seeing me truly. I feel like I’m totally without a purpose and I don’t want to be here.
Lost Maria my Wife and best friend just over a year ago. I have fallen into all the traps detailed above feel that i am now treading water waiting to meet up with her. This despite the fact I have no faith and neither did she
Being there for my daughter has kept me sane but I have never been that good at talking to her love her so much but cant help her like her mum did they where so close .
I have to say i HATE only one thing in this world that is the cancer that took her .
Do feel if i look for a new partner or companion Wife would understand but daughter would not.
just putting this into words helps so to others just try it
My husband was my life–I cant go on without him. I am in agony. It’s been almost two years. Clarinda
My husband of 20 years passed away 02/26/2019. Pancreatic Cancer. All I can say is WOW. How did this happen? And what happened to me? Where did I go? He died after only 3 months after his diagnosis. He spent most of that time in the hospital. I look back on those days. I asked the doctors over and over again, “Is he going to die”? And over and over agin they told me that many people who have this kind of cancer can live 2-10 years. “Can” being the key word. False hope. I watched this man die, I watched as he took his last breath. I watched as his eyes opened for only a moment, before he died. These visions don’t go away. Life will never be the same. I sit in the kitchen and that’s where I stay. When it’s about 10, I go to bed. Get up the next day, go to work, come home and go sit in the kitchen. I don’t have any idea how to get passed this. I don’t understand why I don’t want anything to do with the rest of the house. I have a galley kitchen, I put a curtain across the doorway, and this is where I stay until bedtime. So much more I could say, friends and family have move on, but I can’t right now. I’m stuck. I’m 60 and have always been able to bounce back from anything life threw at me. It’s lonely here in the kitchen, but I feel safe in here. I just hope soon I will find out what I’m safe from.
Oh Cathy…I want to tell you I’m sorry for this loss but I really hate saying that or “hearing” it cause I’m in that same boat myself. Our story’s are so similar. We are the about the same age.. reading about what Doctors told you was the same false hope they gave us…My husband believed that they were just stringing us along cause everything they we doing or telling us was a “money maker” for them…Cancer business is after the big money! I just don’t get it…some people survive and go into remission and others get their whole lives snatched away from them…I SO get you when you say “What happened to me”…I don’t know who “me” is anymore…last day, hours replay in my head everyday…Why can’t the good memories surface…Where did they go? I wish I could come and sit in the kitchen with you…we would talk and talk and help each other the way we’re suppose to.Reply to me and we can figure out a way to talk. Sending a Hug from AZ.
I lost my father december 29, 2014. he had parkisons, dementia and alzheimers. I felt relieved when he passed away, because I know he’s not hurting anymore. My wife passed away march 13, 2015 after fighting cancer for almost 15 of the 16 years we were together. I made her a promise, that I would always be there for her, no matter what! we had a chance to adopt our two granddaughters in may 2010 and needless to say, we were excited! They was only one and two years old when we adopted them. my wife had a son from another marriage and she had complications delivering and couldn’t have anymore children. When we adopted our granddaughters, my wife was so excited to be able to buy little girl clothes and watch them grow up. We found out she had breast cancer about six months after we first met. We didn’t want to get married, because she was afraid of putting too much stress on our relationship. her cancer started moving to other places, originally it was in her left breast, two years after that, it moved to the right breast and had to have double masectomy. It moved to her ribs, vertibraes and her brain twice. The last time it moved from her brain to her spinal column and more or less sufficated her organs. we did get married february 14, 2013!!! I told her she was going to be stuck with me, for the rest of our lives! I didn’t realize, it was only the rest of her life!! I wish I would have done more for her and I’ll never have another chance for true love!!!
I NEVER FELT RELIEVED WHEN MY WIFE PASSED AWAY. LIKE I DID MY DAD!!!!
Im in my mid 40s and lost my husband nearly 2 years ago to cancer. The first year actually seemed better with so many friends and family rallying around me and constantly inviting me out. Last year I started also started dating someone who was also very caring and supportive, I was just starting to feel like I could have a normal life again…then a year after my husband’s death…my mother died out of the blue. I started sinking all over again and since everyone had just put in their time helping me through the previous loss..people just started avoiding me after my mother’s death. My boyfriend was amazing and stuck around for a while but its a lot to be grieving and functioning in any kind of relationship. He gently but suddenly broke up with me a few months ago and now Im grieving about that loss as well. At this point, I don’t even try to be around friends or anyone anymore because I know Im THAT person likely to bring others down. I had tried very hard to carry on and bounce back after each significant loss just to be knocked right back down with another. So its not that I don’t think its possible its that I don’t have the energy or heart or hope to even try anymore. Im not the person I used to be and Im far from the person I want to be.
It’s seems not long ago that life seemed good . That everyone in my family was healthy & we all shared holidays etc together . Suddenly I lost both my parents & mane my big brother. Then my aunt who was like a second mom to me . The last in those several months was my grandfather . In the blink of an eye , at 44 , I have no family in this state . Only some far away cousins . The loss of my mom hit me the hardest . She was my best friend . I manage to do necessary things during the days & am alone every night . The grieving keeps me from going out on weekends or any other night . It’s taking all I have to push each day just to be in the same lonely place the next day . I battle with why did they all have to go but me because without them I’m so lost . I am divorced . No children & some say I am young & will start a new life when all I want to do is cry & I do that a lot . God bless & help all that are struggling on here .
I lost a ex boyfriend (ex only cuz of mental illness) and I started seeing someone right away to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn’t go running back. I started pushing pushing him away and didn’t realize how bad I was struggling. My boyfriend broke up with me andafterwards I realized how much I really did love him. Now I’m fighting to get him back. I’ve been unsuccessful and it’s been 2 months. I don’t want this to be it. I wish so bad he will see the progress I’ve made and that even tho we aren’t together we still hangout and I never let him down anymore. I make sure I put him 1st now….i loved my ex more than words can describe and I felt like I couldn’t be happy so I pushed so hard at someone who was so good to me….I know now what I did wrong and I try everyday to try to get him to see but I’m losing hope….
I know what it feels like I lost my wife in January days before my birthday its been 9 months.. Some days are ok but its not the same anymore.. Come home to empty home which my son lives with me I image he feels it too but doesnt talk about it.. I go for a drive see people with there spouses all happy thinking wish that was me.. I dont know what the answer is but hopefully someday.. I move on from this and maybe find the woman of my dreams…
My husband died 39 years ago at the age of 31 (one month before his death). We had been married 13 months and had a one month old baby. I still miss him every day.
I lost my wife two weeks ago to pancreatic cancer. We just had our 30th anniversary. It does not seem real that she is gone. It is so quiet at home. I feel very emotional and am running on auto pilot. Friends and family are very supportive. I try to remember that her siblings and friends also have lost her. They seem to focus on me. I have no idea how I will get over missing her. I hope time will take most the pain away. I am blessed to have had her for 30 years. We had so many good times with much love.
I am the luckiest guy on the planet just to have met the woman who some how became my third wife. Two and half years gone after seventeen years with the sweetest lady I’ve ever met. So I feel very out of place posting my grief in the midst of previous contributors sharing their pain. What we had together I can’t even describe. Ten years were good financially and we were struggling the last seven. We laughed together right thru all of it. I consider myself so lucky to have even known her much less marry her. That I really have no right to grieve. But I miss her so much it’s absolutely killing me. I don’t want anyone else nor do I wish the loneliness to disperse. I feel that someone like her should be grieved over by the man who adores her even now. Losing someone like her should result in my own long lonely demise. Not by my own hand. Because I dare not do anything that might jeopardize my seeing her again. God willing. But quite simply because losing her is something that over time would kill any man. So I can’t stop missing her and that leaves me lost lonely and hoping God will grant us one more time around in a better world on a new earth. So I’m right where I should be as I see it. No group, no counseling and no meds. I don’t even consider the question, “How will I get thru this” But I will go thru this my way until I rest. I feel my loss in every other post here. I don’t know how tuff I am, but I know everyone who posted is at least as tuff as me. I’m very sorry for our loss.
Dear Janet. I lost my husband of 52 years. I am heartbroken ..anything over 50 years marriage is not gonna be fixed. Write me if you want Juliette Crossley 4 Fore St. Bere Alston Devon PL207AD
My wife died two months ago on septembe 8-2019. I got this hole in my stomach since she died, the pain is so unbearable. Some times it so bad I think My heart is going to give out. We were married almost 26 years. She was only 53 years old. My wife was sick for a long time, she was on dialysis and had a trach in her. We have a 14 year old daughter. I was with her when she died witch makes it even harder. I loved her so much you can’t imagine. I’m so lonely and I cry so much it’s hard to get threw the day. I have no family, I am a only child. My dog died, I lost my job and now my wife died in with in one year.
My Wife died July 10 2017 and i am still lonely ,We did every thing together had much love were married for 58 years she was the love of my life and best friend of my life .I never thought that she would pass away this Quick .I always wanted to die with her together on the same day
My mom passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack (65yrs old) at the end of September, she had just retired and was looking forward to even more time with her grand boys. She was such a big part of our life and even now in a house with a husband and 3 little boys and 2 dogs, my Dad who’s 82, my sister and extended family I still feel alone. And I can’t explain it. I have faith, and am good at putting on a brave face, underneath, I’m sad and angry still…she was my rock and it’s hard to explain the loneliness when I still have a lot of family around me. I find it hard to function day to day, I do because I have 3 boys to raise (5,4,3 yrs old) they miss her, too.
I lost my husband to sepsis almost 3 years ago. I moved back to Fort Worth to be with my sisters. I belong to a wonderful Bible Church where they have helped me deal with the grief. Why is life so hard on us left behind? I work long hours to take my mind off it.
The love of my life died suddenly 2 weeks ago. I had just re-united with him after 30 years. We had only just reunited 2 months before he died. We were both lonely and miserable for a long time before we reunited and then we were so happy, in deep love, cherishing every moment, thanking God. I live in Las Vegas. In that short time, I quit my job of 9 years, left the place I lived for 24 years, and my family (even though that was a positive thing-another long story) and moved to Houston where he lived. He had a beautiful house, financially comfortable, even though I had a transfer pending from the company I worked for. One problem-he was an alcoholic. He had been so depressed and alone for so long before we reunited it had taken a toll on his health. I brought him love, happiness, and a reason to really work on his alcoholism. Our whirlwind relationship was very exhausting as well as exhilarating. We were scared and overwhelmed. We both had reawakened each other’s libido. All of this, combined with his alcoholism, was too much. I hadn’t lived in Houston a month yet, when I woke up and found him on the couch. Now I’m back in dysfunctional Las Vegas, with my dysfunctional brother & sister-in-law, lonely and alone again. Not only grieving the loss of him, mourning the loss of my whole life.
Lost my husband two weeks ago to cancer. I have been. with him my whole adult life. I was 18 going on 19 we moved in together soon after we met and then married. Together for 32 years. We have no children. My family tries to be supportive but they are miles away and no friends close by either.
The pain is very real and I can’t believe this happened I hope to find help and I read above comments so its a common thing. People who have support of family and friends close by count your blessings its worse to navigate alone.
Coming up on the first anniversary of my husband’s death on March 26, life has been devastating beyond measure.
Thank you for the 5 don’ts you share to those in despair. Your helpful article offers those grieving a life preserver to grab hold of & hang on for dear life. Humble thanks.
I lost my husband of 32 years on April 2, 2018. We had family worship and I sang him Psalm 4, and then sat down by his bed and studied Greek.
I heard his breathing change and then he died and was gone. The nurse helped me to wash his body and I brushed his beard for the last time.
He still looked so handsome to me, though the cancer had ravaged him terribly and eaten as much of him as it could (but not his courageous and kind soul).
We were best friends, worked together, and he was my captain. I am lonely, desperately so sometimes, especially on weekends and at nights. Groups did not help me but listening to my favorite preacher at night does help me, and work helps me, and familiar faces help me. I do understand not wanting anyone else, especially since I am almost 66 years old. I sold our home of 23 years and moved into a little trailer and am working for elderly and disabled people and so I have people to help and to talk to. These things do help but the loneliness is probably something that will be with me for the rest of my days.
My husband of 22 years prior to 12 years of dating passed away of complications of liver disease which became worse after a septic infection. Unfortunately at the same time I was diagnosed with breast cancer which had to be treated at virtually the same time. He was much more acute than I so I put him on the front burner. I put my treatment off intermittently but he eventually succumbed to a disease he could not beat. I’m trying to deal with the guilt that I feel in that maybe if I gave him 100 percent instead of trying to take care of myself too that he might still be here. It’s torture
wow Joyce! This sounds so painful! Please find a grief group if you are still in this place. God Bless you!
First, I lost a close friend back in 2009 when he was caught in the crossfire of two gunmen at a party.
I lost my dog to a sickness.
My dad died in his sleep while I was still in elementary school.
I’ve lived with my Grandparents all my life. My grandpa died on May 9, 2015, from chemotherapy for lung cancer.
And on April 14th, 2020, I lost my grandma to pneumonia. Nearly a month before, she had a massive stroke and was making progress until her pneumonia flared up.
The worst part of it all was that I never got to be with them when they passed. Even as I”m typing this my head is full of “what ifs”.
I miss my grandparents dearly. I’m now living alone at the age of 20 and I just want them back so badly.
I miss them soo much. I just want them back. I just want them back. I just want them back.
I lost my mum in October last year, it was just 15 minutes before my birthday. I had to move her from the hospital to a nursing home and she died the next day. I hadn’t realised we had so little time left and neither had she I think. I sat with her all that day, watching her in the mirror as she hated being stared at. Then in the evening they told me I should go home and get changed and come back, that was the first time it dawned on me what was happening. Nobody in the home had spoken to me about her or warned me what was happening. I spoke to her and sang the ‘Happy Birthday’ that we’d always sang to each other, I just hoped she could hear me although she couldn’t respond. I sat in the chair with a pillow and expected to be there all night but shortly afterwards I heard her breathing change. I’ll never forget that moment as long as I live. I rang the bell and the nurses came in, I held her hand and watched her die right in front of me. It’s like a nightmare that never goes away. I have all her things with me in my home but I still can’t even say that she died, it’s always that she passed away. She lived downstairs from me and I have to pass her door every day. She came everywhere with me and now in the car it’s the silence that makes me cry. We were each other’s family and now I don’t have any. She was so incredibly brave and positive and I’m trying so hard to be like her. But I am a completely different person now. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life, we were like twins, everyone remarked on it. The one person who would understand how I feel is her and she’s not here. I feel like I have stopped talking. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m OK as I work and say all the right things. But the old me has gone. In time I’ll talk it through with someone. But I send a huge hug to all of these people who have shown me I am not alone and I thank them for that, and hope they will all be OK.
Just reading all these stories makes me feel not so alone. My husband died in early March, 2020, in his semi, miles and miles from home. I tried to get to him so he wasn’t alone, but I didn’t make it in time. I just feel so bad that he was all alone. The what is are driving me nuts, but I would sure love to see him come thur the front door again.
Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief are not intended to describe the journey of the bereaved. These stages as she describes them apply to the terminally ill and their loved ones and I have read a few articles on how these stages continue to he misapplied. As a grieving widow myself, I am concerned that her work continues to be misinterpreted and is confusing for the bereaved. If a loved one dies suddenly there is no “denial” or “bargaining”. These stages do happen if the prognosis is terminal — denial that the person will die or hoping that they can make a deal with the powers that be. But if your loved one is gone, there is no denying it. Or bargaining to bring them back. It suggests that the bereaved are also delusional and I think does a disservice to those trying to understand their grief.
Thank you all for sharing.
I lost my boyfriend from pancreatic cancer 4 months ago. He was sick 18 months before the tumor cut off his ability to eat or drink. Watching him starve to death was horrible and inhumane. I was his only caregiver and I did the best I could. Just wish a doctor would have told me this would happen so I could have relieved his unbareable suffering with a euthanasia pill. I talk to him everyday all day. That makes me feel good. I know he is with me still. And I am thankful for our happy 10 years together. Life is lonely now so I just pray for peace. Stay strong all.
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Ii have a wife that passed away around Xmas ,l loved her very much ,We had divorced a number years back ,my doing ,but l never stopped loving her , l think of her all the time ,and wonderv could have been so stupid ,,we would have known each other 60 years ,she was a good person mGod bless her in Heaven
I lost my husband of 46 years 3 months ago. I am so lost.
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Lost my best friend of 37 years. Then 3 months later, my favorite aunt. I have bipolar disorder, and am not the most sociable person. I also lost my other 2 very close friends some years ago. I feel terribly lonely. I hope everyone on here can find peace and good friends
Thank you for this write up. Felt like you were speaking with me personally. I lost my wonderful boyfriend to Covid-19 almost 2 months ago. I’m terribly lonely and I miss him so much. Sometimes I don’t know what to do to myself. I’ve just been trying to get back into exercising and keeping good company from friends who support me. And throwing myself into work but still, all of those things don’t take away the void. I miss hearing his voice, his touch, his scent, his company and companionship. He was an amazing guy and for the first time in a long time I found peace. I really believed him and I were headed for a wonderful future. I miss everything about him and what we were to each other.
“The 5 Stages of Grief (as originally established by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)” – I offer a correction to your opening statement, she didnt establish anything, she “Proposed” 5 stages of grief based on her own studies. I have read her material and none of it applies to the pain I still feel from the loss of my wife to stage 4 breast cancer five years ago. We were married 35 years, and I will never stop missing her. I suggest that this profession stop trying to put our plethora of emotions and their stages into neat little boxes, grief is anything but that.
i lost my wife of 23yrs about a month ago to a car accident may 18 2021 i feel so lost especially at night have a pit in my gut when i look over and she is not here i am lucky to have 2 kids 17 and 21 to help with this as well i know they are hurting in their own way and we help each other but i am most lonely at night i have told my daughter that i would trade places if i could the kids need their mom ….but any way thank you reading all the comments and seeing that i am not the only one helps me a bit be well be safe
My wife and I never were separated for 25yrs retired early and we just hung out all day everyday. She died after fighting cancer and I was glad to see her not suffering but I was left alone going crazy. At 79 yrs old with no friends or relatives near by what should I do.
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i lost my daughter she was just 3 and a half from cancer. she had a rare type of cancer that only so many in europe had it, And it was the aggresive type that keeps fighting bk, she had chemo, it worked for few months grew bk again, it was in the side of her neck, and below her brain, an op was out of the question, Doc said she wouldnt survive it and the few months we had left with her cherrish them, and we did, she was on morphine 30mg patch and orther pain meds, she died in my arms. One word. LOST
Thank you for this article. It goes some way to explaining my behavior which I am ashamed of. I was a caregiver to my wife for around 3 years. Even so it was completely unexpected when I lost her 5 weeks ago. She loved me more than anyone else in the world. I am desperately lonely and the absence of her love has left a huge void in my life. People have been telling me that it will be years until I’m ready to enter another relationship. But on the contrary I’ve felt a need to enter another relationship straight away. In fact I even went on a date that went really badly. In hindsight I think I’m in a hurry to get into a relationship to try to fill this void in my life which I acknowledge is not likely to go well. I’m also feeling extremely guilty about it. Thank you for helping me understand why I’m feeling this way.
WE miss and love him who had mastastic prostate cancer since 2001 that was all in his body when he passed away on the 1st of Dec 2017 after being in pallaitive care and hospital for 8 weeks and going to a in a nursing home. I don’t like being a widow at ALL as these points gets to the both of us who are left behind. It is hard to adjust too coming up to the 4th anniversay not looking forward to it as u seem to relive to what happened on the day he passed away and the times ahead. Married for 43 years and 3 months.
I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I loss my husband in February this year 2021. I am so lost without him we did
Everything together. Now I sit home most of the time
Watching TV and doing some Craft work. My friend that I do have see me when she can ,she has her own busy life.
Sometimes I just don’t know what to do and sleep the day away.
my died 15 years ago at 54 years old i get depressed everyday while i worked it helped now i am retired and it all came crashing down.i will stop being lonely the day i join my wife in heaven
This is one of the reasons i don’t want to go on I don’t want to suffer for years.
My sons treated me in a bizarre manner when I lost my wife, Marie. One of them entered my home right after she passed and removed all my financial items and canceled all my credit cards. He and his brothers feel that this was the proper thing to do. I have had problems trying to understand.
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I lost my wife on Oct 20 2021 after being married 32 years. 2 months today. I don’t care if I survive or even if I want to.No children, No family just me. I get up every morning and look out the window and say just another day in Hell.
Hi, Thanks for having such a meaninful page. I was married to my wife for 45 years and lost her in the blink of an eye. My sister and nephew stepped in and planned her funeral without ever asking me what I thought. Both of them decided on their own as to what should happen. My wife and I were together for many years and always decided what to do in tough situations. This one was different.
I should have put a stop on it right then and there but they got Ohio State to accept her body without counseling me. I was too week to fight with them under this situation that I let it go. It was such a bad decision that I should have stopped it in the middle of them making the arrangements. I am so sorry that I didn’t fight back, but I was under too much stress and let it go. I was so wrong to not make my decisions with vehement objection. If anyone else gets pushed around like that, let them know what other family members may do. My wife taught anatomy and physiology for many years and I am so proud with all that she accomplished. I am ashamed to let you know that I didn’t fight hard enough for my responsibilities and will always regret for not taking a strong stand.
I greive most every day and ask God often to help me. I hope my letter may help someone who has better sense than I when it comes to making a bad decision when something like this happens. I still greive every day and thank God for all the years he gave us together. I am a medic and have seen so many things over the years. I just pray God helps each family member and friends to do what is right for all people who are still here and step in when they see something going wrong. Thank you for having this site and I try to do my best everyday even though it can be difficult. God bless each of you. Tom
I lost my wife on October 20, 2021. It’s going on for 6 months and Im awful lonely and just plain worn out It’s hard when you have no family alive and no support. I spend all my time alone. after 40 years of marriage to my best friend ended my life also ended. I keep reading this BS about going on. What reason do I have for going on? Day to day nothing. I will continue to go on. But I will also continue to hate living.
I’m reading this page yet I’m not. My mind is a haze and no one understands try as they might.
My husband of forty years passed 5 months ago and my life is so sad. No family. I do have friends for which I am grateful.
My husband was at home with me where he wanted to be when he died. I watched him die and it will be with my forever.
I’m giving this life all I’ve got, but I will tell you, it isn’t easy. I’m not even 60 and cannot believe this has happened.
Sometimes I think it’s best to stay single, never know true love. The pain of losing a spouse is indescribable.
I lost my wife suddenly to heart failure, October 14, 2020, 2 months shy of our 8th anniversary. Since then I have been trying to fill the void with anyone willing to give me their time. I met a lady friend who I discovered I was clinging to like a life preserver and in turn choking the life out of her. I have let her go since. Now I pretty much avoid contact with others. Loneliness is a horrific beast. I try to find things to keep me busy but I have no sense of purpose or focus. I’m hanging on, but like others here, I don’t know why. Drowning in a sea of loneliness.
grief is a part of life that we shall all go through in the stages of life , some find it while they are young but i found it when we had been married for 63 years my wife had suffered for years with her lungs right from the age of 20 when she first started with bronchiectus and had part of her lung removed .she was a great lady and never let her health hold her back we had buisnesses all our life and worked together all the time and she worked so hard .but over the last five years she really found it hard to live and after a fall she broke her femur and finished up in hospital and as aresult of an operation on her leg she could not carry on and they sent her home and she died in my arms the night the hospital sent her home she had just had enough .so now when i think if she had survived she would really be suffering again so i know that leaving me was what i would have wanted to save her more suffering if she could have carried on as she was.we have loads of memories so i try to think of the things we did together .I have her ashes in my living room and a photo of her and every day i talk to her remains as if she is still with me .you might thgink its silly but at least i have part of her still with me .i was always fitness orientated so i statrted going to the gym im working our one hour a day and am getting my fitness going again i have no family ao going to the gym finds me something to do i go about 4 days a week and my fitness help with my mind and stops me thinking about stupid things and i am making friends there going to the gym would help a lot of lonely people