If there is one issue that can create division, and even anger, in a room full of widows and widowers, it’s the topic of dating after the loss of a spouse. Of all the subjects in all the groups that I’ve ever facilitated, this may be the most controversial.
For some, just the mention of dating again can cause such a negative and visceral reaction -I’ve seen grievers walk out of presentations where this topic was only one small part of the conversation.
But why the strong reaction?
Does it a feel like a sense of betrayal to the deceased? Or of being rushed into something you’re not ready for? Is just the thought of having to start over, to put yourself out there just too overwhelming or too exhausting? Is it that the endeavor seems worthless as there will simply never EVER be someone as perfect for you as the partner you lost?
And is it fair that a griever has to cope with this tremendous grief while also answering questions from family and friends about whether they plan to date again? Or is it fair that a griever may face judgement from those who think that they aren’t ready to date or believe they shouldn’t?
I’ve stated many times that grief is unique. Just as every person is unique, so is their reaction to the losses they face. And while I think on some level we all understand this, I don’t see it put into practice as much as this general agreement should indicate.
The fact is we all come from different backgrounds. Even within our own family, our experiences within that family can be so unique that we have a completely different set of morals, values, and coping mechanisms than our siblings. In the larger world, we need to think about where we were raised, what part religion played in our life, as well as so many other factors like money, education, etc. And believe it or not, just as all of these things absolutely become part of the fabric of who you are as a person, they also contribute in every way to who you are as a griever.
It’s important to remember this piece especially when we talk about dating after the loss of a spouse, as it can be all of these things that determine whether it may be right for you or not. And maybe that’s a good place to start.
What is right for you?
It’s a question we rarely ask ourselves, perhaps because we recognize that we may not always find the answer. So instead we look to the opinions of those around us and seek validation in what they think is right for us.
It can mean feeling pressured in either direction when it comes to the “what next?” part of our grief. Because that’s a very important point to make here. This idea of dating after the loss of a spouse, for most, comes much further along in their grieving process. Not everyone! I don’t want to generalize, just for all those reasons stated already. But for a lot of people I have worked with, the thoughts of dating again come after the acute and early stages of grieving have softened and subsided a bit.
So in wanting to make this discussion inclusive to everyone, we’ll take a look at each side of this “debate” to help you figure out perhaps where you fit.
Not interested in dating again
Perhaps this should be broken down into the not interested in dating again EVER, or the not interested in dating right now. But for the sake of this article I think we’ll put them in the same category as one of the better things a person or griever can do is stay in the present moment. So for right now this would apply to those who are not dating or interested in dating. If you’re being encouraged or even pushed by people around you, take a moment to think about how that makes you feel. Annoyed? Angry? Misunderstood? All of those things? Most grievers will say that when family or friends try to push them back into the dating pool before they’re ready, they feel that these people simply don’t understand them, or the depth of the love and grief they feel for their spouse who has died. So the issue here is not so much of a “should I or shouldn’t I venture out into the dating world?”, but rather, “how do I communicate to those around me that I am not ready or may never be ready?”. My answer would be to tell them just that. Of course how you answer may also be determined by who is asking and how are they asking. Is it a beloved friend gently asking if you may be ready? Or a nosey neighbor who says they can’t believe you haven’t married again? The reaction you feel in each situation could be very different but your response can be the same no matter who is asking or how they say it/ask it. Let these people in your life know that you love your spouse, that you are grieving your spouse, and that you simply are not ready, nor are you sure you will ever be ready to welcome another person into your life in that way.
And that’s it. There is nothing else to say, do, or prove. And most importantly try not to let the questions or statements get to you (easier said than done, I know). Remember that in most cases they come from a place of love and concern. People like to see their loved ones happy and they may feel that if you were happy when you were part of a couple, than the key to getting you happy again is to encourage you to become part of a couple again.
Grievers understand how much more complicated it is than that, but the person you’re speaking with does not. Believe that they have good intentions for you, thank them for their concern, and move on with what you know is right for you without letting anyone else’s influence shake the foundation that you are trying to rebuild.
Interested/looking/have begun dating again
So here we are on the other side of the equation with grievers who may feel that they are ready to start dating again. In a lot of ways there is even more to cover here, but I think it’s best to try and keep it simple. Let’s start with the questions every griever should consider before exploring a new relationship.
- Where am I in my grieving process? This isn’t easily answered, of course, but it is important to take some time and reflect on where you started and where you are now. Have you returned to work or your usual activities (volunteering, babysitting grandkids, etc)? Are you sleeping and eating better than you were in the early days? Have you begun reconnecting and socializing with friends and family? Are you mostly feeling comfortable both in public and home alone? Just remember (and this goes for anyone at any point in their life) you should only want to add someone to your life when you know you are strong enough to stand on your own.
- What do I hope to gain in meeting someone new? I think most people who have lost a spouse find that while in time they may be coping well enough, it is the loneliness that lingers long after their loved one is gone. Loneliness is practically an epidemic in our world today, and few people will feel this more acutely than the griever. If you’re looking to find someone new because you are lonely, that is understandable, and likely the most common reason a griever would look to date again. But before heading into a romantic relationship it may be important to think about the other ways that a person can combat loneliness- becoming more active in your community or church, volunteering or taking on a part time job. Joining clubs or taking classes. Spending more time with the people already in your life or finding places to make new friends. If you have tried these things or are already doing these things and feel that you still want to add someone new, it may signal a readiness to add a more intimate relationship to your life.
- How do my loved ones feel about me dating? Okay, so it’s going to seem counterintuitive to ask this after saying that you have to trust and figure out what you want for yourself. Still, as you look at the “why?” as in “why do I want to look for someone new?” you want to be certain you’re not doing it because other people think you “should”. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you feel that you’re ready to date and every single person you know is telling you you’re not, it may be worth taking a moment to listen to their reasons “why”.
So if after answering all of the above you have decided you may be open to the idea of pursuing a romantic relationship with someone new, remember a few important things:
- Take it slow
- Be up front about your loss and where you are in your grief journey
- Recognize that while this loss is very much a part of who you are, it is not the sum of your personality. Meaning when introducing yourself to someone new it’s important to focus on who you are besides who’ve you lost. What are your interests? Hobbies? What is your background? Where have you traveled? If asking your best friend, what would they say is your best characteristic or what do you have to offer?
- Remember that no single person can be the cure to life’s problems. This new person has the potential to add great joy, satisfaction and fulfillment. But there is no one else in this world who is responsible for your happiness besides you. So while you may hope that some light and happiness can come from adding someone new, know that all of those feelings need to be originating from within you in the first place.
- Only the griever understands the experience of feeling lonely even in a room full of people. Know that meeting and dating is not always the cure for loneliness as being with the “wrong” person could make you feel lonelier than being alone. Instead of trying to find someone just like your spouse, open yourself up to the possibility of how someone different could actually enhance your life and add to your own personal growth, maybe in ways you hadn’t experienced before.
- Be sensitive to the feelings of those in your life who may also be effected by the loss of your spouse, specifically your children (young or grown). Know that they may have very strong feelings about you dating, and they are entitled to them. Create an open dialogue where you each get to share how you feel about the idea of you dating again and make sure to listen as well as to be heard. If they are strongly against it, know that doesn’t mean you can’t date, but maybe that you need to take it more slowly. Children don’t always understand the difference between the loss of a spouse vs. the loss of a parent and what effect it has on your day to day life (this would be true especially of adult children). So they may just need a little more time to understand. Be patient, but don’t waiver. You are allowed to want this.
In the end, regardless of what side of the “debate” you are on, know that this is a very personal and very difficult decision for any griever to make. Respect the individuality of this choice, and try not to judge yourself or others for whatever they decide. Know that even entertaining the idea of dating again can be a very healthy sign of where a person is in their grief journey. Know that it is possible to be committed and devoted to your late spouse while still wanting to grow and move forward and find happiness again. At the same time recognize that companionship and joy can come from many many places, and that a romantic relationship can be a very big step. It is not an easy answer, and like every relationship before, it will take work and devotion, and that may or may not be something you feel you have the energy for right now. Dating after the loss of a spouse may never feel right, and that is okay too.
Take it day by day, listen to your gut, and don’t be afraid to venture out. If the time is right, and the person is right, you’ll know. Just as you knew before.
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We offer individual and group support on a variety of topics – all designed to support you through your grieving journey. Click here to learn more: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=16839935
So very much touched my heart really made me stop and think about my life. I can do it alone but I would be so blessed to share life with someone special
I liked this article very much. It helped me to put things into perspective that I have the right to date again when I feel I am ready and not feel guilty when others think I should or I shouldn’t date. Thank You
I was planning NOT to ever date again and wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. A friend introduced me to her friend and we became friends. We discovered that we enjoyed each other’s company and now we are dating. But I feel guilty and think my friends and relatives (especially my deceased spouse’s relatives) will not understand.
I know exactly how you feel. We worry so much what others think of us, but they have no idea of the true isolation of loss. You know the people that matter to you and those worthy of your love will understand. You will of course experience pity if you stay alone, but judgement if you don’t. Either way, it’s a weird place. We can’t control the thoughts of others of course! I am certain that your darling wife would want you to be happy again. Time is short. Being able to love again is a testament to how well you loved one another and also to hope. I hope therefore that you find happiness going forwards. Good luck on your journey xx
Franki, it is your life. It is your regrets in life that matter the most. Don’t live someone else’s dream. I ask again, we should the rules change for age 20 to age 60. Would you tell you son and daughter not to date and find happiness again?
My wife passed away suddenly a little over two years ago. We had been together almost 46 years. Since that time I had a dating relationship with a woman for three months, then a date with another woman recently. While I enjoyed the female companionship, it felt rather hollow and I felt myself wishing my wife was with me. I’ve realized in my grieving process that I haven’t come to the point yet that I’m ready for another female companion to come into my life again. This article validated that I am perfectly normal in my grieving process. Thank you.
It was so good to read this article. The love of my life left this world at the beginning of this year after a horrific battle with glioblastoma multiforme. I am in my early forties and was with him from my teens, married for 24 years with two amazing sons. He was and always will be the love of my life. My world broke down along with my heart as my beautiful man stopped knowing who I was two days after Christmas. I resigned myself to a life alone; how could I ever love another human being in the same way? It surely couldn’t be fair to someone else to know they would never fill his shoes. Before he passed, my boy told me his wishes for me and even who he wanted to care for me- a friend of his who I had not seen in over a decade. I shuddered in horror at this, and then fate, months later, made our paths cross. He to had experienced the pain of loss and we gently gravitated towards one another with warmth and care. It was extraordinary. I spoke to my counselor about my fears of ‘too soon, too unfair’. Her words to me were profound, She asked me that after the birth of my first son, did I ever think I could love another child that much, but I how did I then feel when my youngest came into the world. The message was simple. You can love as much, but in different ways. I have really struggled with guilt and the judgement of others. Those who judge did not see the endless nights of pain wracked sobbing, feel the isolation of being broken and entirely alone. It is no way a reflection that I am healed or am looking for a quick fix. I have chosen to live and not exist. My boy is in my heart, woven to me for all of time. I’ve loved, I’ve lost and I’m trying to be happy again. I just wish others could see that and I wish everyone the courage to live their lives as they choose, whatever they decide. Sending my thoughts to the sorrowful and bereaved, hoping that the skies brighten for you all, whether that view is alone or with another by your side xxx
To Caroline. Thank you for that positive message and best wishes as you move through life. I had not yet heard that comparison and really appreciate it now. After 20 years together with my husband who can only be described as one of the best (and not just by me), I struggled the last 4 years with trying to understand why he pulled away from me ending in his sudden, unexpected death 9 months ago. I suspect he felt something he did not discuss and was trying to prepare me. That pre-loss, combined with his unexpected and sudden death has created in me everything you described, plus a desire to recapture a similarly amazing relationship with someone new, like I had with him before. The feelings are so overwhelming at times, including guilt at wanting that because I love and miss HIM so much, etc. I choose to take your positive message with hope and trust that when the time is right, It will happen again for me. Thank you again, and I am so happy for your new companionship and wish I can find that too.
Ok, here’s another view. My husband passed away unexpectedly five months ago. Our marriage was not good (alcoholism). I want to date again but think others would not understand as they had no idea the state of my marriage and how he treated me. I spent too much time in a bad relationship and would like to find someone to spend my remaining years with. I feel that this is my second chance to be with someone who will value me. Anyone else experience my situation?
My husband of 38 years passed a month ago on November 2nd. Heart attack and alcoholism. You and I
share the same story and feelings. The one thing I am
scared about is acceptance and rejection. I too
want a healthy relationship/friendship with a man
who I secretly love and admire. We are just friends for
now. Only God knows if we are right for each other. He
has a heart of gold and it was broken. I pray that
someday he could love me as much as I love him.
I am only concerned for my grandchildren
Yes, although my husband was for the most part not an outright physical abuser, mentally he could do a number on me. He drank way too much, was a bully, among other things, along with putting all the burden on me to figure everything out financially. I can so relate to how you feel, I also would like to meet someone that cherishes the ground I walk on, just havent found anyone or dont know how to.
My husband of 38 years passed a month ago on November 2nd. Heart attack and alcoholism. You and I
share the same story and feelings. The one thing I am
scared about is acceptance and rejection. I too
want a healthy relationship/friendship with a man
who I secretly love and admire. We are just friends for
now. Only God knows if we are right for each other. He
has a heart of gold and it was broken. I pray that
someday he could love me as much as I love him.
I am only concerned for my grandchildren
Fortunate in finding a remarkable woman years ago, our marriage lasting 53 years ended with her cancer death in 2014. I deeply want to find another woman who can be my partner for the remainder of life’s journey. How best can I find her? I am 78 but healthy, active, and financially secure. She will also be Christian whose faith is important to her. The dating sites I’ve seen are difficult to use and seem mostly interested in profit. It’s good to know that some of you have found another, as I would like to do.
my husband died 23 months ago and had battled cancer for 7 years, as did i by his side. he became angry and abusive during the 7 year span. We continued to be together, however it was stressful aside from being terminal there was physical and emotional abuse. I wasn’t leaving a dying man, we at one time shared great love, life and enjoyment. he was very sick. I began dating the gentlest man for 8 months now, he’s got such a kind heart, and I have found myself focusing on the good I had with my spouse prior to death, and keeping him on a pedestal, and not focusing on the good with my new boyfriend..ouch…so hard to accept the negative interactions from my spouse..i think im vulnerable to accept the fact he was abusive.. abuse comes in many flavors shapes and sizes..I need to let new IN and let go of some of the past..he was a great man at once time. cancer sucks!
I am on the other side. Dating someone that is just now hitting the events leading up to the anniversary death. When she left to go on a business trip, his thoughts were when she comes back I will ask for a divorce. Unfortunately, she became sick out of the country and died there. We have been dating for 7 weeks, it has been great, we knew each other from high school.
I work with grief support group so I knew this time of grieving was going to be happening. He has retreated and is processing, I am just sending one or two texts a day. Hoping to just be here when he is through the tough weeks. Hoping he comes back to us after this….but only time will tell
First off, I am not letting my family or friends dictate my decisions. When the ask I feel like saying “Piss Off’. It is not your life. My reason to want to date is yes the loneliness but it is more than that. It give me purpose in life. Second, unless you have a loved one pass very early in your relationship chances are you are getting older as in my case late 50’s. I alway hoped to have someone to lean on as they lean on me as we go through the years. Lastly, I will not let a relationship slip by if the right person comes along. Why do the rules have to change from when you are 20 to when you are 60? I do know I will never remarry.
I have a deep survivor’s guilt. My husband said “Even if I am not here, I will always be with you.” I will never be far from him, spiritually and emotionally, my love and best friend of twenty-five beautiful years. He died in a terrible accident, suddenly, the rug pulled out from under me. I have fallen in love again, and I am grateful to the man involved because I never thought I could, but it is an untenable relationship because he lives so far away and has mental health issues. Still, I wrote a book called “The Ten Gifts Of Grief,” and I am pretty sure he was with me every word of the way. I must say I love my solitude now. It has helped me to be a better writer and artist. It would be nice to have a “friend” but I do have some trepidation about letting a man into my life who could turn out to be problematic, when I was so blessed. I don’t want to spoil that blessing, or the memory of my darling soul mate by ending up with someone who is not of his fine, upstanding, and, yes, beautiful character..for me, anyway.
It has been nearly 2 years since the death of my husband after 7 months of dealing with cancer. I miss the intimacy of someone to talk to, to hold me, to just “be” with. I know that I will not marry again, but a friend who lost his wife 6 years ago (he was one of the groomsmen in our wedding) reached out to me with similar feelings of loneliness and I’ve been giving it serious thought. I know him, was friends with his wife, we have history. I’m sure my grown children would be appalled, but I’d like to spend time with him. I miss that connection. I’m in my late 50s. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.
Melissa, I encourage you to open yourself to friendship and relationships that make you happy. I am experiencing similar feelings after 4 years since the death of my husband. It is healthy and right to choose to address your feelings of loneliness. It may be uncomfortable dealing with your grown children, but they should want you to be happy. Understand that this may be hard for them, but mutual love and respect can get you through your discomfort. Best to you!
Jackie
I lost my husband of 50 years, 4 years ago. He was a Vietnam veteran and we married just a short time after he got back. I was15, he was 24. In the beginning life was good, but then I found out he had a temper that he did not have when he went overseas. There is no way I can tell you all I went through, but at one point, he left me for someone younger than I was at the time. (Married 38 years).. I was crushed, and to this day I am still angry at him even though I took him back. Is this normal or part of the grieving process?
I lost my husband 26 months ago to cancer, now someone is interested inme and I dont know how I feel hvent dared in40 years.
I TOTALLEY AGREE WITH DOLORES I LOST MY LOVELY WIFE, FEB. 6, 2021 WE WERE MARIED FOR 69 YRS. 6 MOS. AND 10 DAYS WHEN SHE PASSED
I WILL LOVE MY WIFE FOR EVER THANK TOO OUR LORD JESUS JESUS CHRIST FOR LETING HER BE ONE OF MY PRECIOUS WIFE ON THIS EARTH, WE ALSO SAID WE WISHED THAT WE WOULD FIND A PARTNER THAT IS MOST LIKE US
I lost my beautiful wife this week. I had no idea how much the loss of companionship, the loneliness and sadness could hit me. I feel like I am an automaton just getting through these beginning stages. In 2017, we lost our 22 year old son due to an un-diagnosed heart defect and a stroke. He was absolutely brilliant, never smoked, drank or did drugs. Then in April of this year, our son-in-law committed suicide, leaving my daughter to raise two of my 3 grand-children. She has a new man in her life and he is wonderful. I believe that for me to wait at 57 years old to get back in the dating scene, life would just pass me by. My ultimate question in all this is am I living MY life or the kids, grand-kids and rest of the family’s life. My wife had a terrible form of diabetes and other serious health issues. She fought the good fight and the last words we said to each other was that we loved each other. I will NEVER stop loving her and we both told each other that after one of us passes that we are to move forward, live our own life and if we find love again, that that would be a testament the love we shared over the years. Best to you and I hope you find peace.
I am on the other side. It has been almost two years since my husband of 15 yrs has passed. I miss him everyday… I have no intentions of dating ever. The pressure from family and friends can be overwhelming but I always remember what he used to say : “stop looking to anyone else for permission to live your life” meaning – it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or feels.
For me, it is quite simple… I didn’t get dumped, he died. I am lonely because I don’t have him, no one else is going to change that. This isn’t about guilt or lack of “moving on”… it is simply about love.
We had 15 great years and in the 2 that he has been gone, while he physically isn’t present, he is still here. So there isn’t any room for anyone else in my life.
Whether you choose to date or not – that is up to you. Either way… I wish you all peace and solitude as you go through your grief journey.
This was a very good article, It has been 7 months since my husband passed, we were together for 17 wonderful years, my heart aches daily, literally. He did tell me to please move on before passing. I have recently been introduced to someone new, he knows my full story, and is understanding of me during this process. We’ve agreed to be friends and just talk and get to know each other first and foremost. If something down the road becomes more than so be it. But my biggest worry is comparing anyone that I meet to my husband, which is unfair to the new person. I’m hoping that that feeling will subside eventually, but not sure what to do. Any advice? Thank you for listening.
My late husband passed 2 yrs ago suddenly. I was with him 36 yrs. It was a good marriage with 3 children grown. My husband grew apart from me the last 10 yrs of his life. He chose to sleep in separate rooms and was not emotional with me. After he passed was very lonely. A yr after he passed I met a guy that was different in so many ways. My late husband was quiet and liked staying home. My boyfriend now loves to go places and experience life. My grown children are furious and gave me ultimatum a few months ago. It hurts me but it’s my life. My oldest won’t even talk to me. I’m going to give it time but the new guy in my life has brought me sunshine when I had none. It’s not easy but I’m happy.
Been 2 years since my wife of 35 years passed, she passedpassed in her sleep unexpectedly , here one day gone the next, we were having trouble for the last year, phycologically she was struggling , there are signs that she could have over dosed on purpose., It would be nice to know. My grown up sons are living with me, they are not doing well. Now my health is struggling. Not sure how to feel .
My husband of 53 years passed 9 months ago. He was a good man, faithful, sober, trustworthy, and had a deep faith in God. But he was a very private man. He hid his feelings because he felt they made him sick and perhaps because they made him vulnerable. He was rejected by his father, taken from his mother when he was 4 and raised in a foster home. They treated him well but there was always the threat of being taken away.
I know I was loved and he tried to show it but Romance and Passion were missing in our relationship. Add to that he was dependent on me for 25 years after a traumatic head injury. The last 9 years were especially difficult as he suffered with Parkinson’s.
Since Eldorado’s death a friend of ours, a missionary, has been writing me about once a week with encouragement and scriptural blessings.
“H” is divorced, between my two sons in age. My feelings are aroused at times thinking of this man. But I try to keep it a loving mother and son relationship.
Mindy I went through the same thing. I’m in my early 40s was married for 22 years and went through 5 years of liver failure with my wife and I lived with such a monster in the end. The last year was the worst, I was so angry with her and wanted her to get help and stop drinking and it just never happened. She managed to push me away in the end with the horrible things she said. 2 weeks later she left this world:(… I actually got on a dating website (zoosk) before she passed just to talk to some people during my 2 week homeless adventure and had talked to a few people. Then the bad news hit. A couple months later I got back on and met several people that were nice to talk with, went on a date with one and it turned out to be one in a million. It’s been 3 months now and I find myself happier than I have been in years, crazy part is I’m still morning and have my days. I allow myself to morn when that comes up but am also allowing myself to love. My therapist reminds me there’s no timeline on any of this, we are all on our own journey. Life is definitely short and you might miss that one in a million if you don’t put yourself out there:)