“I feel like I’m going crazy…” It’s a phrase I have heard from so many grievers. It can be just this feeling that brings someone to a support group after the loss of a loved one. There are many signs and symptoms of early acute grief, but losing focus and lacking concentration in grief may very well be one of the most frustrating.
Why? Because we need to pay attention. To be productive at work, to remember the things on our to do list, to feel a part of what is happening in the world around us, we need to be able to concentrate and focus.
Prior to our loss we were doing this all day and every day, multi-tasking at home and at work. If we were lucky, we could remember every birthday and every special occasion. We not only managed our lives but had the ability to check in on the lives of those closest to us as well.
And then it happened. However it happened, whenever it happened- whether we had time to prepare or no time at all – our loved one died and suddenly everything around us changed. Including ourselves.
So just how much of an impact does losing focus have and is there anything we can do to feel better now?
When life was good, we probably took our ability to focus for granted. Every time we remembered to turn the stove off, every time we closed the garage door, every time we were able to find our keys or where we parked the car…
So losing the ability to focus and concentrate can be quite disorienting. But why does it happen and why is it such a common part of grieving?
Well, quite simply, the process of grieving is a full time job. And not a 40 hour a week job where we get nights and weekends off and we get a break or reprieve. Instead, it is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job with no time off, no vacation, and no place to escape. Grief is more demanding, more intrusive, and more exhausting than anything we’ve ever experienced before. To say it causes someone to be preoccupied would be an understatement because that would imply there actually is room left to think of anything other than the loss. And in the early days, there just isn’t. There isn’t any room left in our head or our hearts, and there is not one bit of energy left to focus on anything else.
There’s not a lot that can be done to change it, though being aware of it helps.
- Know that right now you may need to write down everything, and I mean every last thing.
- Get the help of friends and family. Be honest and tell them your head just isn’t where it used to be and as much as they can help remind you of special events, or even little things, that it will be much appreciated.
- Try not to overbook yourself. Say “no” more than you did before. You need rest to be focused, and we already now how exhausting grief is and how hard sleep can be to come by. So do a little less now if you can.
- Even if you were a great multi-tasker before, you’ll be better off now doing only one thing at a time. Stop when you can. Find yourself in the moment. Say things out loud (“I’m closing the garage door now”), slow down and take your time like you never have before.
And know that it will come back. If you were an avid reader before and now you can barely get through a magazine article without having to go back and reread what you’ve just read- know it will come back. If you could juggle your work schedule, your kids sports schedule, doctors appointments, vet appointments, and still remember to call your best friend on her birthday – know it will come back. If you had a special skill at work, or a hobby at home – something that took a time and focus that you’ve since lost- know that it will come back.
Tell yourself that. Remind those around you of that. Ask for patience. Be patient with yourself.
We don’t “get over” our losses. We never stop missing or loving the person who is gone. But these very harsh and acute side effects of grieving tend to soften and fade with time. How much time? It could be months, it could be years. But being aware of the symptoms of grieving and taking care to ease these symptoms (as much as you’re able) should help ease some of the suffering they cause.
This is what other grievers are going through. You are not going crazy. You are grieving- and this is what grieving looks like.
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It’ll take only a few minutes visiting our site to know that you’re not crazy, and you’re not alone. There are so many people suffering with a loss, and they come to www.griefincommon.com to find help and to be a help. Join today to meet others who understand.
Really needed this article tonight. Plans for memorial service and burial of cremains are not going well.
This is very comforting, I recently lost a very dear friend of mine and I miss her so much that it actually brought back the grieving of my son that I lost 13 years ago. Not that I don’t grieve every day for him because I do. But it just made my grieving harder for all the losses I have had in my family and friends.
We lost our son 11 months ago. I find that at work I can deal with reactive work easily, but anything future focussed like planning, especially if I have to initiate it, is very hard to do. Its not a general fog, its quite specific in my experience. Not sure how common this amongst others.
Just a note to say that I feel you. I lost my brother in March and while certain things are easier to do now (like specific, reactive things), other tasks that require creativity and deeper thought are still very hard to manage and get motivated for.
Thank you for this article. My husband died almost a year ago and, while improving, my focus just isn’t great, even though I’ve had great support and a long-standing meditation practice. I’m just starting to be able to read again, but not much and not for long. I hadn’t noticed lack of focus addressed in other articles before; it’s a comfort to find it’s “normal”.
Reading your comment just lifted a huge boulder off my shoulders. My husband killed himself in May of 2017. I thought that I should be doing better by now. I could read for hours but now I have to go back and re-read most everyrhing now. I feel so much better!
I am do sorry for your loss. I lost my husband if 32 yes to suicide 11 yrs ago. I still feel the pain and shock I did yearsI felt yrs ago. And then I found someone else to live and he died last June of Cancer. So now at times the stress is horrendous and I just drag around getting nothing done. I hope you have a lot if support. I do not. I feel that people are there at first but end up tiring of being around a sad person for very long. It’s a longly long journey
Sorry for all of the typos. I am typing on my phone and cannot do very well obviously.
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I lost my father to suicide a month ago. I can’t focus at all. I am constantly tired. I want to just sleep or do nothing. This is not good considering I am on a university course and also have young children. I cry occasionally and I miss him terribly. I used to think if my parents died I would be shattered.. I am just numb.. numb in my head.. don’t even know if it’s grieve or not.. or how I am supposed to grieve. Just want to be focused.. finding it difficult.
Karin,
I’m so glad I read your comment, even though it is now 2022. I lost my husband 10 months ago and I thought maybe I was behind in the grieving process. One day I feel like “I’m going to be okay, I’ve got this” and the next thing I know I am abandoning my shopping cart and leaving the store. I know I will heal and I know I will want to enjoy hobbies and friends again, but right now it is minute by minute. We had 38 good years and it’s going to take some time.
I lost my husband on December 22,2016. It has been a struggle this past year, but to those who have recently lost a loved one, I must tell you it does get easier as time goes by. I can now look at his picture and smile without crying. Don’t get me wrong…I’m still grieving but it’s less now. I know where he is and he’s not in pain anymore and for this I am forever grateful…till death do us part♥️
My Mother passed away on March 26, 2017. Prior to her death I was her only child in the area and was responsible for everything concerning her. She sick with cancer had to have two hip replacements and then the bacteria infections which took her life. Since then I can not focus at all. I am very forgetful. Sometimes just loss.
my Lydia took her life 2 years ago January 20 2016. I will never get over it. it will never get softer. I will be out of this unbearable pain on the day my body gives out
Thank you for the article, I just lost my wife on April 30th. I am an architect and Since her departure I seemed forgot how to think nor focus. I have been trying every day, I thought maybe focus on work may help not to think about her, but just could not, which made me even frightened.
Now I understand This is a part of grieving, this helped me a lot.
Thank you very much.
This article is so very, very true!
My father very suddenly and
very unexpectedly died one year ago,and his death completely blew my
concentration out of the water,in so many ways!
In the beginning, I couldn’t remember the simplest things,and I was annoyed at myself that now I found that I had to write notes to myself about everything,so as not forget them.I never had to do that before. I even forgot to go to work,twice! Not good! Nowhere w,however,my concentration is very, very slowly inching it’s way back, at turtle speed.My concentration is slightly better, though not
at all up to par.I still get easily distracted when needing to tend to important things,and my forgetfulness has seemingly become the new normal.However, it would seem very, very slowly improving, slowly.
This article is right on target,and is also encouraging.
There is hope,please be very patient with yourself and those who love you,and support you.
This article is so very, very true!
My father very suddenly and
very unexpectedly died one year ago,and his death completely blew my
concentration out of the water,in so many ways!
In the beginning, I couldn’t remember the simplest things,and I was annoyed at myself that now I found that I had to write notes to myself about everything,so as not forget them.I never had to do that before. I even forgot to go to work,twice! Not good! However,my concentration is very, very slowly inching it’s way back, at turtle speed.My concentration is slightly better, though not
at all up to par.I still get easily distracted when needing to tend to important things,and my forgetfulness has seemingly become the new normal.However, it would seem very, very slowly improving, slowly.
This article is right on target,and is also encouraging.
There is hope,please be very patient with yourself and those who love you,and support you.
Excellent article. I lost my husband on 7/11/18. I had been his caretaker and he had been declining for a while but I will miss him forever.
I teach on-line and have found I cannot concentrate for very long.
I am very glad it is normal and encouraged that it is temporary.
My Dad died suddenly 2 weeks ago – 83 and appeared to be healthy. I live in Texas, but am English, and am 5500 miles away from family.
It seems to be getting more difficult to focus each day, concentration is hard.
I am numb and in a fog – thank you for the comments they help.
Since I unexpectedly lost my brother last month, it seriously worries how much I forget things and cant focus. I started a class just before his death, I tried to get back to studying but its no use. I read things 4 or 5 times and still cant retain what I read, I have so much guilt and frustration. All I can think about is how I miss him, that I wont run into him at the store anymore, that he wont be stopping over anymore. I am very glad to know that this is a normal process, its very scary feeling like this.
It’s been over 4 years since I lost my Mom. I was an avid reader..reading 1-2 books a week, and loved reading magazines. I manage to do my reading assignments for counseling, but it takes a long time. Still in a fog and can’t focus. I forget and leave the burner of the stove on. I have difficulty even with conversation because I’m constantly distracted and pulled away..
I am so glad to have found this article. It almost perfectly summed up how I felt after losing my father in April of 2017. I had to take off work for a month because the grief was strong, but along with the grief came a blank slate mentally. I loved reading but was unable to because my mind was so preoccupied. Great article!
This article is very helpful. Sometimes I feel I am loosing my mind. Before my husbands death I was a busy multi-tasking top producing real estate agent. I love my job but find now, I can plan to do one or two things a day. I am so glad to read this and hear, “it will come back”.
Thank you for this.
Hello, it has been 3yrs since my dad died. The first year I shut myself off socially then gradually became more able to cope. Work was a good distraction and I am much stronger now. However, I have been an avid reader since being a child and read every day, always opting for non-fiction and particularly interested in other cultures and beliefs no matter how harrowing. Three years on, I am having great difficulty in concentrating when reading and cannot find a topic I am really interested in anymore. I am also completely unable to read any form of book that may be upsetting any longer and so have started selecting non-fiction on occasion for an easy read although I rarely finish a book anymore, be it fiction or non-fiction, and my recall of what I have read the day before is horrendous. I so want to read like I used to but seem to be unable to focus for long enough to maintain interest. I note your article is telling me ‘it will come back’ and we will not know when, but are there any tips or advice that you anyone can suggest in the meantime to help me enjoy and engage in reading once again as I really miss having a good read and a book that captivates me. I would welcome any thoughts and my grateful thanks for listening and any help you can offer.
My son passed 25 months ago. He was 33 and a twin. I cry every day. I can’t concentrate or focus. I really do feel like my life is over. I have people and things to live for, but my life will always have a cloud over it. I feel no joy and can barely look at my son’s picture. My family would prefer not to talk about him.I hate grief and I hate that my son is gone.
Having been faced with many losses in my life and not realizing I needed to deal with all those emotions that were building up inside of me. It took a nervous breakdown, and the help of my late wife Nadine to get me help.
I had let too much occur in life that I hadn’t faced up to for one reason or whatever, like – men don’t cry, men don’t need help, I am too busy, I will think about those I lost later. and so many more reasons.
This depression gripped me totally. I had forgot how to breathe, my surroundings, and life itself, and the need to eat, plus more.
My doctor and a psychiatrist asked me so many questions – none of which I remember except for, “No you can’t catch your dad’s cancer.” So I was treated with antidepressants for 5 months and I can thank them all for saving my life.
At that point my life had returned again. It was as if I had been given life again. So I implore any of you who are lost, and alone seek a psychiatrist and let them determine if you need an intervention.
Peace be with you all. May God Bless and be with you in your greatest time of need.
Thank you for writing this article! This year has been very hard for all of us and I can imagine there are a lot of people out there who are facing the same issues now.
It happened to be that 2 relatives of mine passed away, exactly one week apart from each other. You can imagine this was the biggest shock ever and it really was. My family and I were facing issues with grief, concentration, anxiety, and even depression. For me it happened to be a combination of all 4 and for my family members, I can’t say because it was different for all of us. My father was able to get back on track after 3 days while it took my mother to get back on track after 2 weeks. I’m a student and my grades have always been the best, but because of these unfortunate events, my grades have experienced a blow from my inability to concentrate on school work. Luckily I’m getting the help I need from a therapist to get my life back on track.
For anyone going through a loss of a loved one, you can do this! You may not feel like you used to right now and may even feel a bit insecure of what’s to come, but remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It happened to be that your life came tumbling down recently, but you will get better, you just need to give yourself some time and get the help you need and the care you deserve.
I hope all goes well and just remember that life is precious, take every moment of it and store it forever in your heart. May God be with you during this difficult time and take care!
In the past year I have lost my parents, my beloved dog, and my husband had a debilitating stroke. I have struggled in the role of caregiver and miss the husband I had, and all the dreams and plans for our future. I was off work for a time with the focus on him. Now that I have returned to work I am plagued with mental fogginess, memory struggles and overwhelming anxiety and sadness. It’s affecting my work performance and this adds more stress along with all the fear and uncertainty of COVID. I am relieved to read others are experiencing these symptoms and I pray things improve as I do my best to practise compassionate self care, and making time to focus on my needs and happiness